Sunday, October 11, 2009

Feelings

I used to be a crybaby. I cried whenever I got in trouble. I cried because I didn't like this one kid at my karate class. I cried because we got stuck on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. I cried my first day in 2nd grade just because it was my first day of second grade. One time my best friend and I were waiting in line to get on the monkey bars. For some reason I decided to push him off the platform. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but then he got hurt and started crying. And then I started crying too haha. I was a weird kid...

These days, I don't cry much anymore. I mean, there was that time I watched Armageddon and maybe once in awhile I'll get misty-eyed, but really, I'm not an emotional guy. It's something that's been eating at me recently. I'm really whatevers about everything. I hate it. I don't FEEL anything very deeply anymore. Sometimes I talk with those kinds of girls that get really emotional about everything... yknow those kinds of girls, right? They preface most sentences with an "OMG" or end other sentences with a really annoying whiny sound... yeah those girls (not directed at any specific person!). And as annoying as they get sometimes, I really wanna be like that. Well, not exactly like that, but I wanna feel things. I want my highs to be highs and maybe my lows to be kinda low too. For me, everything just kind hovers around the mean. Which, I guess could have its advantages too. I mean, I don't stress out very easily and I manage to keep my composure when things get weird. But sometimes, I really just wanna be a crybaby again.



I was watching this video. I luhh switchfoot. I'm excited for their new album. The part that gets me in this video is 2:10-2:35... I want that. I want to believe and love something so passionately that everything I do is an expression of my desperation for that thing. I wanna know that with every action I decide to make, that it's something I am willing to DIE doing. If the world ended this very second, would I be satisfied with the fact that the last thing I did on this earth was writing in my blog? Would you be satisfied knowing that the last thing you did was reading Nate Lee's random thoughts about his sensitive childhood??? That's a terrible thing to be doing! So go, do something with intention. Do something with feeling, with conviction, with passion. Screw what everyone else thinks. And when you're done, come back to me and give me advice on how you do it, because I need some help feeling things again.

4 comments:

ieeewok said...

Experiment:

Put on some headphones...preferably the best pair you can find. Turn your computer volume up a bit...on the higher end.

Click this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bex_S61AI-8

Listen to at least 2:00.

At the 2:00 mark or so, let me know what thoughts/feelings you have.

:-) ian

iamkatinthehat said...

aww nately, i thought we decided that it was okay to be like that. And you know what, when something really moves you...then you'll know it's something real and important. And plus being a roller coaster of emotions is overrated. :] don't worry. When God wants to stretch your emotional limits, he will. BTW. i love not going to class. i don't love not seeing you and not practicing my listening skills.

aileen--♥ said...

i think....
there's pro's and con's
to living an emotional rollercoaster
like me.
or being a steady rock.
like you.
sometimes its just emotionally exhausting
to the point that its so painful to even think or breathe.
like.. i mean its good to feel.
but not about EVERY detail.
and about things that shouldn't matter so much.
it just throws my whole mind out of perspective...
and like.. when i watched.
blood diamonds.
i cried the WHOLE movie.
and i hurt.
like all night after i watched it.
cuz i was so sad for them.
but then the next day.
i totally forgot about that.
cuz i had fun. and enjoyed other parts of my life.
so which is more real?
and which is more important?
i cant tell because my feelings are all over, EVERYTHING...
its just to say..
i don't think one is better than the other.
and i think you're fine just the way you are, nate lee. :)

inSPIRITandTRUTH said...

feel you on this one
how ironic