Why Chinese Mothers Are Destroying The Church

Amy Chua recently published an article in The Wall Street Journal arguing why the Chinese parenting style is conducive to high achievement. To her I humbly respond: Shut the f up.

When one of your primary goals is to justify why calling your child "stupid," "worthless," or "a disgrace" is a beneficial parenting practice, then you is a freakin maniac or what Zach Galifianakis has coined as "the ruhtard."

What really angered me most though--and this is the crazy part--was that the article was true. This IS why Chinese kids are so great. This IS why we succeeded in school, became prodigies on the piano, and were given the debilitating "model minority" label. Like it or not, the values held in high esteem by the older generations do not simply disappear when American-borns stick their middle fingers up at the family tree--it is ingrained in us. And the church has not escaped that influence. Part of the reason this article was so difficult for me to read is because I know that this mindset is alive and well inside Asian churches and it is robbing the Gospel of its power.

How can you expect a church to understand Grace when all we've ever heard is that acceptance comes only as a result of high achievement?

How can you know the Loving Father when all you've ever seen is the belt-wielding, unresponsive father? (You might understand the whole "fearing God" thing, though)

How can you ever understand Freedom and personal faith if you've never had a say in your own passions and if everything has always been black and white, do and don't?

How can you ever understand Jesus if your goal in life is success?

The list goes on.

Don't get me wrong--Chinese ideology has its benefits too. Hard work and discipline as well as hard work and discipline are positive contributions of the system. Oh, and I almost forgot about hard work and discipline. These are things that can’t be ignored for Christians seriously pursuing Jesus. However, Chinese thinking has created a very distinct and, in my opinion, destructive church culture that has to be acknowledged and addressed, especially by folks in my generation.

I have friends who practically do everything for their church. I rarely see them all year because they're always busy, and when we do get to touch base for a little while, they always seem tired and frazzled. They serve their church because they love their church, but I can't help but see all of their efforts and ask, "What's the point of your hard work? To pull God down from heaven all by yourself? To impress him?" Maybe Asian American church leaders have only transferred their achievement-mindedness to the church sphere. Now, God becomes just another unemotional parent figure who chastises us while he swings the gai mo so.

And you'd think Chinese people would eat up an idea like Grace. I mean, it's a free giveaway of God's love and I KNOW Chinese people love free giveaways. But nah, this Grace thing just doesn't seem to make sense to us. I've heard it too many times, people that seem convinced that they're "not good or holy enough" to get baptized. I think that these kinds of ideas break the heart of a God who has always chosen sinners.

I'm rambling, but a couple more points. The example in the article where the mom forces her daughter to get the piano song right... this might work with piano, but it doesn't transfer over to faith. You don't practice faith until you like it or until it becomes easy; if you’re forced to practice faith, then perhaps it isn't really your faith. And if faith is something our parents simply forced upon us, we eventually reach the point where we either find ways to make it personally meaningful or we drop it altogether (which is what happens a lot in college). Our orderliness and black-and-white nature make the Asian church susceptible to the manufacturing of robots. We’ve been told and programmed what to do; we know the answers, we can do the practices, but we don't know how to ask questions or to think for ourselves.

I used to be optimistic about change. Now, I'm not so sure. Asian churches are generational; children's faiths often look a lot like parents' faiths; we are set in our ways. I understand why, historically, the Asian American church is the way it is. Especially for folks in San Francisco, churches were (and are) literally, sanctuaries. For immigrants coming in without a grasp of English and without a lot of resources, church was a good community. Away from angry white people, around those who understand you, throw in a God who helps the oppressed and you got yourself a formula for success. No wonder Asian American churches have a strong sense of community, a big passion for inreach and a value for taking care of their own, but also typically ignore things like social justice, radical giving, and missions. The Asian church in America was built on self-centeredness.

And it worked. We succeeded. We achieved the American dream. Thank God our Chinese mothers never gave up on us. We became middle and upper-class citizens and we praised Him for it. Church was our original safe haven and we moved out to the suburbs to cling even more tightly to our comfort. We ran from the suffering we once endured and we had cute kids and sent them to Sunday school to learn about Jonah without realizing the irony that one day the whale might come and get us too. We are running from Jesus Christ, the one who told us to give away everything, to be last, and to love our enemies. We baptize each other in lukewarm water and call it discipleship.

The answer, obviously, is not simply to sprint in the opposite direction. God knows that this generation has abandoned discipline and hard work to our own detriment. Also, I needa check myself to make sure that this isn't some lame postmodern, free-thinker, everything-is-good-if-it-comes-from-the-heart kind of rant. But I believe there needs to be a shift and that people like Amy Chua need to be taken down and burned at the stake. Jk about the last part, but yes. I love the Asian American church. I really honestly do. I understand filial piety and I respect our esteem for tradition, but the Gospel must trump culture in every instance, and if ethnic barriers keep us from fully following Jesus, then they gotta come down. It'll be a slow process, but someone's gotta do it.

And of course, I'm projecting. Forgive me if you believe the judgments in this post to be incorrect, for there is a huge plank that is obstructing my vision. Yet I am confident for both myself and the church that he who began a good work will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Psychology and Faith

I'm a psych major.

That means when I first met you, I could already tell what kind of person you were because you had your hands in your pockets, you scratched your right cheek every time you talked about your roommate, and you licked your lips every once in awhile, which meant that you were physically attracted to me. There's empirical research to back that last one up.

One big thing that you take away as a psych major, especially if you take a class like social psych, is that the mind is a very powerful and, at the same time, a very feeble thing. Powerful in the sense that it can control so much of your behavior without you even knowing and feeble in the sense that it can be altered so easily and so subtly... take, for example, studies done on mental priming or subliminal thought.

There was a study done on young adults to test the power of mental priming. So they would tell the participant to form a sentence using words from a word bank. The control group would receive a word bank with neutral words, maybe something like, "paper; on; sits; desk" and the sentence would be "The paper sits on the desk." The experimental group, however, would be

primed with old people words like "wrinkles" or "arthritis" or "Florida" haha. And then they made the sentence with those words. After they submitted their sentences, the researchers timed the participants on how long it took them to walk down the hall and out of the building. Crazy thing is, the participants who were primed with the old people words took a significantly longer time to exit the building than the control group. Conclusion: the old people words primed them to feel old, so they walked slower, like old people do! Crazy.

There are other amazing studies. A picture can flash on my computer screen so quickly that my brain can't even process it, and it can still profoundly affect my behavior. I can be convinced that 2+2=5 if there are enough people around me that believe it's true... that one's pretty intense. Maybe you know where this is going...

These studies show me one thing: the mind can be manipulated and molded in so many ways that we don't even notice or understand. The way we act and behave, what we believe, the smallest everyday decisions we make are all influenced by small and seemingly insignificant things we come across in our lives. It's scary if you think about it too much.

I was thinking about the idea of Truth. If the mind is such a fragile thing, how can anyone claim rights to complete Truth? The religious right might believe that they have a monopoly on truth the same way the Catholic church might believe that they have a monopoly on truth the same way the Mormon church, the same way the most evil man in the world... Truth seems so relative when I take into consideration all the ways the mind can be manipulated and even tricked. I know very well how easy it is to jump right on board with an eloquent preacher, a captivating worship song, or a feel-good message. These things aren't bad, but they do, to an extent, mold your mind more and more into... something--whether that something is right or wrong is another question.

If you know me, you know that my mind is often filled with doubts and questions like these. I fear the manipulative power of organized religion. I really do. I've seen Jesus Camp. That shizz is scary. I sometimes question myself, if I've somehow allowed myself to get lost in this fog. If I'm just living in some state of ignorance or self-delusion, if this whole faith thing is just something I fell into that I'm now trying to convince myself is the real deal. I think what makes it harder is that many Christians just seem so sure, as if certainty was the prerequisite for spiritual maturity. Let your doubts be buried; trust more, pray more, and then God will work. I hold tight to spiritual giants like Mother Teresa and Martin Luther who could not separate their unfailing obedience to God with their most damning doubts.

If there is anything that keeps me grounded, though, it is the homeless refugee bastard baby Jesus Christ (bastard bc he didn't have an earthly father. I ain't being disrespectful!). To me, Jesus is so captivating a person, such a pure embodiment of--yes--Truth, that I cannot remain unchanged by the life he lived. I still have my questions about the Old Testament, about the Holy Spirit, about Paul's letters, about the present day church, but as long as I know that Jesus is the center of this entire thing, I know that there is something here worth living for. All human manipulation and distortion cannot change the person of Jesus. On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

On Faith and Baseball

There was one year that I tried to play fantasy baseball. That crap is dumb. First of all, there are too many players and they play too often--you can't keep track. Second of all, you can't tell if players are doing well because their numbers are so low. A good game is like 3 hits or something. If 3 is the highest number that you get to see on a given day, then count me out. That's not exciting at all.
But I think the real reason I hated fantasy baseball is because I didn't really know much about baseball. I know some Giants players and I know that I hate the Yankees. I also know that Tim Lincecum is raw and he smokes pot and that I like him for those reasons, but that's really about it. So I updated my fantasy baseball roster for about 3 weeks until I realized that it was useless. If I really wanted to get excited about fantasy baseball the way I do about basketball, then I would have to do tons of research and study on all the baseball players so that I would know what I was doing. Needless to say, I did not put in that effort. Bottom line, fantasy baseball sucks.

And really, I sense a similar theme in my faith. It's frustrating sometimes. I look at the Scriptures and I see a very one-sided image of faith. When Jesus describes what the Kingdom is like, he is clear about how to enter: it's an all-or-nothing kind of deal. Again and again I only see that Jesus wants followers who have left everything for his sake. There is no middle ground, no indecision, no going back and forth. You cannot simply dip your toes into the water, you gotta dive into it headfirst.
And that scares the hell out of me. And maybe it's supposed to. Or maybe it's supposed to scare the heaven into me. Regardless, sometimes I wonder if my current struggles with faith are only a result of my middle-ground-ness. That as I am dipping my toes into the Living Water, I am only doing a disservice to myself. Either I dive in, or I go completely back on land. Maybe this is why Jesus gets so mad about people being lukewarm--it just doesn't do anyone any good.
I think my faith is like fantasy baseball. I simply cannot invest myself entirely into it. It is not natural for me. If I want to truly experience the real joy of fantasy baseball--the full life that Jesus promises--then I have to go all in. There is no other way.
I remind myself that it is a process. I know it is. The disciples, even after following Jesus for a couple years, were still greedy sometimes, jealous too, and a few turned their backs on Jesus at times. I find comfort in how stupid the disciples were. Yet they had one thing going for them the whole time--they had left everything behind to follow Jesus. Even if they were dumb sometimes, they had nonetheless taken that first extraordinary step of faith, leaving behind house, family, money, possessions to follow Jesus.
Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if we're doing faith all wrong. I look at the Word and see one picture of discipleship. The first step always seems to be getting rid of all or most of your possessions. That's the first step! He told his disciples to do it, he told the rich young ruler to do it, Zaccheus did it, he told the church in Laodicea to do it... sometimes I wonder if I'm only running in place because I haven't taken that first step yet. Dang that sentence was deep.
Well, I'm getting too serious now. Bottom line, fantasy baseball sucks.

Knuck if you Buck

There's this song that came out like three or four years ago called "Knuck if you Buck." My friend Ethan used to say it to me in high school, which is how I learned it. Basically, it means "if you're gonna talk crap, you better be willing to throw down and fight."(SH pride! Go Irish)
So today, after playing this ridiculous game called Munchkins, some friends and I went to La Burrita to grab some yum yum goodness in the form of a taco salad. While we were chillin there, waiting for our food, we overhear some stuff going down at the tables where some people are eating. This one fool was doing a lot of talking to this asian guy sitting at another table. He was saying a bunch of pretty messed up stuff about asian people and was just being a real jerk to him. Me and my friends just looked at each other like... wow this guy's a real idiot. I was standing pretty close to the dude, but my back was turned because I was seriously getting fed up with his crap. He kept on talking sh- and I could feel him tapping on my backpack. At that point, in my head I'm just like, Oh hell no. My trusty sympathetic nervous system kicks in, heart starts beating, fists clench, four letter words start working their way into my head. And it's just like, I need to get out of this place or else I'm gonna go Chris Brown on this guy.So I walk out of the place, I really feel like kicking the parking meter, but I know that wouldn't do anyone any good, so I just kinda walk it off. Surressly though, the guy was so ignorant.
But have you ever had experiences like that? I can point to a couple instances in my life where I've been in small confrontations with strangers. And that kinda stuff just sticks in my mind for hecka long and I just think of all the things I could have said. There are generally a couple approaches that I always consider:
1) Excessively Sarcastic Approach (ESA) - you combat their ignorance by being an even better and more skilled jerk. You attack sensitive subjects, you disregard any concern for their feelings, and you use the most ridiculously annoying tone of voice.
2) Logical Argument Approach (LAA) - you combat their ignorance with superior logic, rhetoric, and argumentative skillz. With great Berkeley intelligence, you make them doubt their own abilities and knowledge, or maybe you are willing to simply reach an understandable compromise with them.
3) Feigned Deafness Approach (FDA, not to be confused with the Food and Drug Administration) - you frustrate and thus silence your opponent by completely ignoring them and showing absolutely no emotion.
4) Loving Christian Approach (LCA) - you silence them with kindness and goodwill, doing your best not to get angry or frustrated, no matter how much crap they talk. You put on a big smile, shake their hand, buy them food, and maybe even give them a hug, because you know they are loved by God and therefore have just as much worth as you do.... ok I dunno.

As I was walking home, I was definitely thinking through these four techniques. And then I kinda got stuck on the LCA... If, hypothetically, I went up to the crap-talking dude while he was being a jerk, and I said with a sincere heart, "You know, I don't know why you're saying all this crap, but there's this God up there and he's still crazy about you, no matter how much garbage comes outta your mouth." what would he do? Call me a faggot like he was doing to everyone else? What would Jesus do in this situation (cliche phrase, yes, but it bears some thought)? What does it really mean when we're told to love our enemies? Jesus seemed to practice a little of the FDA and the LCA while he was being mocked on his way to the cross... He didn't say much at all, but he did pray for their forgiveness. I think if I tried to do a little LCA, I'd still be muttering cuss words under my breath. I guess it's something I gotta work on. But I think tonight was good food for thought... How do we love the people who are ridiculously hard to love? Hopefully I won't have to have another encounter like tonight's anytime soon, but I'm sure something like this will come again. I'll start working on my LCA.

OOOBAMAAA!

School has begun. Back to the grind. But before I do that, time to blog!

This past Monday, I met with my pastor. I told her what I thought about our church. I told her how comfortable I thought everything was and how I wanted to see that change. And I guess I just shared with her my recent thoughts about money, materialism, ministry, and stuff of that sort. I don't think I ever really had the chance to talk to her face to face about stuff before, and I forgot how wise she was haha.Basically, this is what I got from our talk:

1. In regards to the church, she pretty much agreed with me about how comfortable everything was. She said the problem with churches is that big mega churches grow so much because they have all the talented people--pro worship leaders, great pastors, leaders, etc--but at the same time, you become just another face in the crowd, as opposed to smaller churches (like FCBC and every other SF Chinese church), where everyone knows each other pretty intimately, but you get mediocre worship leaders and blah pastors haha. Ok, maybe she didn't say it like that, but that was the jist. She also pointed out that, because FCBC is a generational church--that is, you might have grandparents, parents, and kids all from the same family at our church--sometimes you can see why some of the youth are so lukewarm, because their parents' faith is the same way... Basically, she agreed with me that things weren't quite right, but I think she really reminded me the importance of trusting God. Yeah, it kinda sounds like a copout, but the way she said it was a lot more profound haha. I think I've become very arrogant and self-centered about my views of God, saying, "God, show me this, show me that. If you'd only do these things, then so many people would believe" acting like I know what's best when he's telling me to be patient. Idk. Chris O was quick to humble me.
2. In regards to money, materialism, and ministry, Chris O was also quick to point out some of my mistakes. Basically, what I got from her is this: to each man his own. I asked her about how Christians should spend their money, what kind of lives they should live, how they should serve, how much they should give, if they can live comfortable lives... Essentially she reminded me that God calls each of us differently, that there is no such thing as "A Christian should..." --Now I agree to a certain extent, but I think this is debatable. I believe that there is a standard that we as Christians should live up to, but I also agree that we are not all called to live in the ghetto to serve the poor and some of us are called to live in the suburbs and drive nice cars. Who knows? I don't. But I think the point is that God can do the judging. If my pastor is rollin on dubs in his Escalade, it's not for me to decide if he's living a Godly life. And I think there is freedom knowing that we have so much freedom in serving God.

Yeah... overall, Chris O was really really honest with me and I appreciated that a lot. Some of the stuff I listed above might be my interpretation of what she said, so take it with a grain of salt. If you have questions for Chris O, you should ask her :) But I think it was good to talk to her. Mostly when I would share these things with other people, I would mostly just get agreement, but I'm glad Chris O was quick to drop some wisdom on me and humble me a little bit.

I think my thoughts about God can be measured up in this:
Matthew 47:22-23 says,

42"He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! He's the King of Israel! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. 43He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, 'I am the Son of God.' "

... Just imagine what would have happened if Jesus came down from the cross right there. While the soldiers and people crucifying Jesus were shouting, "If you're really the son of God, then you'll come down!" Imagine if Jesus said, "Ok, you know what, I am the son of God, let me show you" and he came down from the cross... Dude, all the people there for sure would have believed in Jesus after that. Like dude, why wouldn't Jesus take the opportunity?? I just feel like that's what it's been like... I know that God can do amazing things, but he isn't, and I don't know why. I'm saying, "God, if you're real, then show yourself, do a miracle, do crazy stuff--you have such a great opportunity!" and God is just like "Nate, be patient. I know it looks like it would be good if I did crazy stuff now, but I promise things will get even crazier if I show myself at a later time." In the Gospel, that crazier thing was Jesus rising from the dead. In real life right now, I have no clue what God has in store. But I gotta trust that whatever he has in plan is gonna be ridiculous.

Shoutout to Vansen, my roommie, who just got a new iPhone. And Samuelle, reppin the Urban School right.
... I still have so many questions. But I think I've come a long way since my badmouth high school days. I have a long way to go though.

And last but not least,
OOOOOOBAAAMMAAAAAAAAA!!!

Reading is Sexy!

So I don't usually do this, but thanks to a certain cousin of mine (Ally, my real cousin), I am here giving a free promotion for The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. I was very hesitant to do this, mostly because I've been talking about this book a lot with a few people and I just feel lame for being so excited about a dumb book. But alas, I have given in. This book has changed too much about the way I understand who Jesus is and what the Gospel is all about for me to simply not share it with the world. So here it is, world! Here's my amazing book review! I better get comments! Jayplay, but frealfreals, this was a good book. And I think you should read it. But only after you comment on this (or any prior) post. Hollatchaboy!
So, where to start. Ah yes... I don't know. Well first of all, this book has really inspired me to get more involved with the homeless community in Berkeley. Not sure what that means or how that will look when I get back, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to consistently be a presence with the homeless at People's Park or maybe volunteer at a shelter or something. One of the lines that I remember most was one that basically said, miracles are more rare today because there is no need for them. We can go to Safeway to get food, we have a roof over our heads, we can just hit up the doctor if we get sick... Not to say that these things are bad, but they take away opportunities for God to actually show us that he can take care of us in amazing ways. So I dunno about you, but I want to see God work and do miracles.
Another thing about this book is that it has confirmed my frustrations with the Church. Claiborne is never antagonistic (as I have sometimes been) about the way things are done in the American church, but he is still critical of what the church has become. Like I was talking about two or three posts ago (Here Comes the Bride), church for me is all too safe, comfortable, and blah an experience. Claiborne argues for a church like the early church in Acts2, where possessions were shared and the followers of Christ "had everything in common"--struggles, joys, experiences, money, etc.--and where church was a place where crazy Jesus people met up to discuss the amazing things that God had done during the other six days of the week. One of the things that I'm afraid of for FCBC is that, especially with concerns over attendance and numbers, the goal for church service will become keeping the youth interested and entertained rather than challenged... On a side note, I have similar worries with Living Water, my church in Berkeley, that they are becoming a very "flashy" and charismatic church (we have almost doubled in size over the past year) rather than one that really challenges, though I have definitely felt more challenged and convicted there than at FCBC. Nonetheless, I have grown skeptical of growing churches and I hope that desire for truth will always trump a desire for more people. (I know no church is really "perfect" and I love complaining; I'm just pointing these things out)
Lastly, this book has made me think more about what I do with my money. This one is difficult, mostly because what I wear helps me be really really ridiculously good looking.Ha ha ha I'm jayplaying again. But in all seriousness, this book has challenged me to question where my clothes are being made, where the profits are going, and where the money can otherwise go. Should I just shop at American Apparel (expensive/for white people)? Should I just not buy anymore clothes (God forbid!)? Should I just donate all my clothes? Should I make my own clothes (sike!)? These are things that I've been thinking about lately.
So, as you can see, my life is kinda being rearranged. Thank you, Mr. Claiborne. I was pretty ok with the way things were going, but no, you had to freakin write an amazing book and change the way I see things. Great. Thanks... Nah, I'm only kidding Shane. Shaney Shane. Shayborne. Anyways, I wanna do something. I wanna respond. But the thing about me is that I always say that I'm gonna do something (work harder, get buff, do chores, learn how to write left-handed), and I can take a step out the door, but when it comes down to it, I get real scurred and I just run back to my safe little life, where I know the routine and where I don't have to take any major risks. But yo, I'm saying it now, I wanna make changes. In myself, in my church, in Berkeley, in this world. Join me, it would help me out a lot :)

Not Cool

A couple years ago I asked my friend, "Do you think there is such a thing as a serious, hardcore Christian who can still be popular at school?" I guess I was thinking about all my friends in high school who had potty mouths(what a ridiculous picture), who started drinking and smoking weed,
And I just thought, well heck, if this is what being cool is all about, then I got myself a real dilemma. Because I was trying to take my faith to the next level, but I still had to be cool, yadida? I mean, even this year, someone said to me, "You know, I had never really known any Christians who dressed well until I joined Intervarsity." Me being the idiot I am, took it as a compliment. I guess my question is, if Jesus came back today and chilled with this modern society for a little while, what would he look like? What would he wear? How would people treat him? What if Jesus was a student at your college?
We always picture Jesus wearing the nice little Jesusrobe and with the beard and stuff, because, well, that's how people dressed back in the day (except, contrary to popular belief, Jesus was Middle Eastern, not white) But would Jesus really dress like everyone else? Today's equivalent: jeans, tshirt, a pair of Vans maybe? I kinda doubt it. My boy John the Baptist wore a freakin camel hair fit and ate locusts. Like wtf. Would Jesus be liked by others? Probably some. But for sure there would be people who hated him. I wonder if Jesus enjoyed memorizing the Torah (like all Jewish boys had to do). Would Jesus get good grades? Would Jesus even be in school? In the Bible Jesus is a carpenter, as was tradition to take up the father's trade. So, since all kiddies go to school these days, would Jesus be a student? Go through all that middle and high school drama? Would Jesus be good at sports?
What clubs would Jesus have joined? The Christian club? Jesus wasn't even Christian! Wtfreak. The Jewish club, then? I wonder if Jesus had any hobbies besides... carpentry. Or if Jesus had a bff that came over to his house. I wonder if Jesus ever played any pranks on anyone. Did Jesus ever get bored? What was I even talking about before?
Oh yeah, if Christians can be cool or popular. Well, I've been rereading the book of Matthew with the intent of just seeing what kind of person Jesus was. And I guess I'm starting to see how counter-cultural he was and how counter-cultural my response has to be. I'm not gonna lie, I love me a nice pair of shoes, or a nice $200 jacket that I bought last month, but I'm beginning to question whether my efforts to be "cool" or fashionable are good for me, or if I'm just storing up treasures on earth that moths and rust will destroy (matt 6:19). The answer is obvious. And plus, that money can go somewhere. I can actually make a difference with the money I have... So, as a Bible-believing Christian, how do I dress? Where do I put my money? Am I willing to put an end to my Hypebeast ways for the sake of the Gospel?
Ok, so I was never really a hypebeast (www.hypebeast.com), but is it bad that I wanna be cool? Popular? Can these desires coexist with desires to see God glorified? Is Jesus calling me to lay down my skinny jeans to follow him? Isn't the ability for someone to express who they are through style or dress a gift from God?
I am beginning to develop a fascination with an uncomfortable Christianity. BUT that fascination has yet to manifest itself in bold footprints in my life. I wanna make changes in a lot of places, but change has to start in myself first.

A Christmas Poem

Written December 13, 2005...

Now put the picture in your mind of a time; rewind centuries behind to an era where a young couple would stumble into the rubble of a place not so kind.
The rise of the mind that would set down the crown and let the beautiful letdown resound.
He was found by the kings, angels gathered round. The sounds of stories told by prophets centuries-old unfold before eyes no more than one year old.
What could we withhold from this child given gold who would hold a much greater treasure; a miracle beyond measure who would weather the storm.
But severed and torn, worn by the war fought between Satan and Lord. Blatant and forward, they struck with the sword to your side. Poured out the soul and you died. Wide-eyed, they surveyed the place where you gave up in grace for mankind.
But now free from danger, asleep in a manger. A stranger walks in and wouldn't believe if I laid the decree that this baby would one day die for me.

Second Coming

I recently had my last Music27 class with Prof. Mathews. I havent been doing the reading for the class, and this last lecture was supposed to be a review, so i was there. And i was ready. I had my laptop out, ready to take notes (and check fantasy when he was saying irrelevant stuff) and i for sure wasnt even gonna fall asleep this time. But dang... this ended up being the worst lecture ever! Basically, what Prof. Mathews did was play a piece of music and then go into where we were sitting in the lecture hall and he freakin asked students! Like wtf, right? There's gotta be around 200 people in class and he's going around, climbing over chairs, sticking the mic in people's faces. All i wanted out of the lecture was... a lecture. And when i saw him asking for participation i was like,"Hells to the no, David Blaine!" I was thinking about boucin outta there reeeaaal quick. But then i remembered how ignorant i was in the subject of music, so i stayed. I freakin stayed. I swear, i have never been so uneasy in a lecture for the whole entire hour. It was terrible. EVERY single time he came up on the right side aisle of the lecture hall, my heart would start POUNDING. He went to the row in front of me and he went to the row behind me. I was scurred straight. I did not know any of the answers to the questions he was asking. I'm so thankful he didnt call on me.
After i got outta lecture, i was so relieved. Thankful that he didnt call on me and also that i got the notes that i needed. But it was an experience i did not want to relive.
Which got me thinking....
Is this how i live with God? Hoping, day after day, that he doesnt come around and see me, swimming--drowning--in my sin. Do i wake up everyday and say, "Dang i hope today isnt judgment day. Cuz if it is, then im freakin screwed!" What a terrible way to live. Yet theres so much crap in my life that i still cling on to. And i know if Christ himself were to walk into my room right now and look me in the eyes, i'd be scared to death. Just like if Prof. Mathews called on me in class, i'd be speechless. No answer, no excuse, no nothing. He might say, "Well, you havent done your reading, have you?" If my homeboy Jesus came around today, he might say, "Well, you dont really know me, do you?" I'd probably just give him a blank stare.
I gotta get things right. Music27, faith, life, whatever. I cant halfass my way through everything. David Blaine can turn orange soda into cheezits, but he cant get me into heaven. I got some thinking to do.