Chinatown Lunch Lady

I'm working at church this summer. One thing we do for the kiddies is provide them with delicious government lunch everyday. It usually consists of a bologna sandwich, maybe goldfish, and--a new addition this year--packaged cucumbers or jicama. I'm not sure why anyone would package jicama and give it to kids as part of government lunch, but whatever. What is jicama anyways??

Every week, this Chinese lady comes and checks up on us, makes sure that we're running procedure and protocol correctly, and collects the receipts we receive from the delivery man and paperwork that we have to fill out every time we distribute lunch. I don't know her name, but I assume it's Wendy, because I think most fobby Chinese women are named Wendy (I'm serious. I know like 5 Wendys/Wendies who are really fobby. This theory is a branch off of a larger theory that fobby Chinese parents prefer female names that end in "ndy," which is a branch off of an even larger theory that fobby Chinese parents, for both genders, prefer names that end in "y"). So, every week Wendy comes around sporting her excessively large backpack, walking at a very brisk and determined pace, and she asks me with her Chinese accent if I have all the paperwork from the previous week. Usually, it's a very tedious and frustrating process for us both because we don't fill out our paperwork correctly. She gets frustrated and stands there impatiently as I fix the mistakes we've made on our lunch forms. And I swear the woman has no sense of humor. If I try to say a joke to lighten the mood/distract her from our incorrect paperwork, homegirl has no response. Straight up stoneface. Like, seriously, lighten up. I imagine going from lunchsite to lunchsite is pretty monotonous, I would expect that she'd appreciate me trying to add some fun into her job, but nooo.

Anyways, Wendy came last Thursday to watch us do lunch and make sure our protocol was correct. She also informed me that I was missing a delivery receipt from the previous week. This is bad. Wendy don't mess around. And I knew we didn't have the receipt. I knew where it was. Sitting on my desk. At home. Because I popped it in my pocket one day instead of putting it in our lunch folder where it belongs. F. So in her Christlike grace and mercy, Wendy says, "I come back to tomorrow, you have receipt." I say, "Yes maam!"

I forgot the receipt. I made the reminder on my phone. But when it went off, I was dancing. At a church dance (who has church dances? ... that's a post for another time). I forgot about it until the following morning. You know that feeling you get when you're lying in bed about to fall asleep and then realize that you forgot about that one big homework assignment due the next day? Yeah it was like that. You get that droopy feeling in your stomach and you say something like "freakin crap!!" So I tell the 5 or so people around me to pray that Wendy doesn't come. I was so scared that I'd be minding my own business, chillin with the kiddies, and then I'd see her and her oversized backpack coming up the stairs. She'd ask for the receipt and I'd look at the floor and admit that I had forgotten... And to make it worse, sometimes she comes at the very end of the day. So pretty much from 7:30am to 4pm I was on edge, asking God again and again, "Don't let Wendy come. Don't let Wendy come."

And she didn't come.

But the whole ordeal reminded me of something. I wrote about this maybe as my second or third post ever, but it came back in vivid fashion with this experience...

I don't ever want my relationship with Jesus to be like this, knowing that I'm not right and praying everyday, "God, don't let today be judgment day, don't let today be Jesus' second coming." Do it on a day where I haven't done anything wrong. Do it on a day that we do a service project or when I have Bible study, but not today, because today I was impatient with my friend or I looked at porn or I cheated on a test...

What a terrible way to live. The Bible says that it is for freedom that we have been set free. Even though I still think that that verse is redundant and confusing, it's still true. We've been set free--but that freedom can still be distorted into bondage if used incorrectly. Real freedom means that we can live without fear, be it from judgment day or from Wendy, the stone-hearted Chinatown lunch lady. God's kindness leads us to redemption, not his anger or judgment or our fear of those things. I think once I realize this, things will get easier. But for now, pray that Wendy doesn't come (I'll ask her this week what her real name is).

On Faith and Baseball

There was one year that I tried to play fantasy baseball. That crap is dumb. First of all, there are too many players and they play too often--you can't keep track. Second of all, you can't tell if players are doing well because their numbers are so low. A good game is like 3 hits or something. If 3 is the highest number that you get to see on a given day, then count me out. That's not exciting at all.
But I think the real reason I hated fantasy baseball is because I didn't really know much about baseball. I know some Giants players and I know that I hate the Yankees. I also know that Tim Lincecum is raw and he smokes pot and that I like him for those reasons, but that's really about it. So I updated my fantasy baseball roster for about 3 weeks until I realized that it was useless. If I really wanted to get excited about fantasy baseball the way I do about basketball, then I would have to do tons of research and study on all the baseball players so that I would know what I was doing. Needless to say, I did not put in that effort. Bottom line, fantasy baseball sucks.

And really, I sense a similar theme in my faith. It's frustrating sometimes. I look at the Scriptures and I see a very one-sided image of faith. When Jesus describes what the Kingdom is like, he is clear about how to enter: it's an all-or-nothing kind of deal. Again and again I only see that Jesus wants followers who have left everything for his sake. There is no middle ground, no indecision, no going back and forth. You cannot simply dip your toes into the water, you gotta dive into it headfirst.
And that scares the hell out of me. And maybe it's supposed to. Or maybe it's supposed to scare the heaven into me. Regardless, sometimes I wonder if my current struggles with faith are only a result of my middle-ground-ness. That as I am dipping my toes into the Living Water, I am only doing a disservice to myself. Either I dive in, or I go completely back on land. Maybe this is why Jesus gets so mad about people being lukewarm--it just doesn't do anyone any good.
I think my faith is like fantasy baseball. I simply cannot invest myself entirely into it. It is not natural for me. If I want to truly experience the real joy of fantasy baseball--the full life that Jesus promises--then I have to go all in. There is no other way.
I remind myself that it is a process. I know it is. The disciples, even after following Jesus for a couple years, were still greedy sometimes, jealous too, and a few turned their backs on Jesus at times. I find comfort in how stupid the disciples were. Yet they had one thing going for them the whole time--they had left everything behind to follow Jesus. Even if they were dumb sometimes, they had nonetheless taken that first extraordinary step of faith, leaving behind house, family, money, possessions to follow Jesus.
Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if we're doing faith all wrong. I look at the Word and see one picture of discipleship. The first step always seems to be getting rid of all or most of your possessions. That's the first step! He told his disciples to do it, he told the rich young ruler to do it, Zaccheus did it, he told the church in Laodicea to do it... sometimes I wonder if I'm only running in place because I haven't taken that first step yet. Dang that sentence was deep.
Well, I'm getting too serious now. Bottom line, fantasy baseball sucks.

christian guys are really gay

said my friend Ryan one time. "It's because Christianity looks down on you if you get too close to a girl, so guys just take it out on other guys."

Amen amen.

I ended up using Ryan's quote on an anthropology paper once. Got a B+. I think it's pretty true though. Christian culture forces people to think creatively on how to be social. For example, it forces us to find ways to have fun without alcohol. This is why Christians love board games and can come up with these ridiculous games like Table of Death and the "spin around and jump over a stick" game. When you really think about it, some of it is down right foolish. But they're fun. And they're generally wholesome. Everyone wins.
Likewise, when it comes to relationships, guy-girl contact in a Christian context is dangerous. Most guys play it safe. If a guy needs to release some sexual energy, he'll most likely end up massaging some other dude or getting in a wrestling match or something like that. I dunno. I'm only generalizing. This topic is just kinda awkward.

The guy in this picture is obviously not Christian...

But the truth is, Christian guys are especially gay towards one another. There's no huge attempt at being pc right now, so let's just put it all out there. Christian guys just touch each other. Not in a nasty way, but just as a "wassup, we're homeboys, I can't get too close to that cute girl right now, so imma just hold you" kinda thing. No biggie.
And if you're not a Christian and you're reading this like wtf, then I totally understand. Especially considering the American church's stance on homosexuality, this probably doesn't make much sense. Or maybe it does... because the church is also infamously hypocritical. I dunno. This post is not about the church's views on homosexuality. I don't even wanna get into that. Ok let's just get back to the important stuff. About guys touching each other.

Ok, really, I don't even really wanna talk about that anymore. It was supposed to be a segue into guy-girl relationships in the church, but I just kept rambling about church gayness. This is what I really wanted to talk about:

I've noticed something difficult about church culture and its unspoken views on romantic relationships. It's such an odd and frustrating thing... Basically, it comes down to this basic principle:

If you are a Christian in a romantic relationship and you are not spayed or neutered, you are setting yourself up for a crapload of guilt.

That's just how it is. And let's be honest here, church doesn't talk about sex very often (unless you're studying Ecclesiastes), so I think it's important that it can get acknowledged once in awhile because it's something that affects a ton of Christian people who are passionate both to their significant other and to their God. They're not mutually exclusive. But the simple fact that we have hormones means that--unfortunately--we're gonna want sex... Dang this is awkward... And it just sucks that a lot of Christians who are romantically involved see their relationships with God slowly go to the crapper because being sexually involved with someone just feels a lot more exciting than reading the Bible... Dang this post is gonna get me trouble... It just bothers me a lot that getting into a relationship seems to automatically put you in a downward slope with God... And whose fault is that? Is it our fault that we want to be physically involved? Is it the church's fault for staying silent on the subject while imposing rules and making us feel guilty when we can't keep them? Is it God's fault for making us this way and for calling us to such a high standard? It's all just confusing to me.

Do I think that there is such a thing as a genuinely Christ-centered relationship? Of course I do. But the very very honest reality is that romantic relationships for Christians is freaking difficult. And maybe this is why guy-girl contact is so frowned upon in church circles. Ahh yes, it all makes sense now. This post has indeed come full circle. There's nothing left to really say but, guys, continue only getting close to other guys. That way, we stay safe, uninhibited, and guilt-free.

soulja boy off in dis... no

So I was just chillin in my room one night a couple weeks ago and I overhear my mom and sister talking in the hallway. I think my sister is telling my mom about the music she likes or some videos that she watched on youtube (my sister is 11 by the way) and all of the sudden... no it can't be... how does she.... wow.

"soulja boy off in this hoo, watch me crank it watch me rooolll, watch me crank that soulja boy then superman that hoo"

Oh hell no. My sister was NOT singing soulja boy. I'm pretty sure she had no idea what she was actually singing, but seriously now. And my mom is pretty clueless about these things too so I don't blame her. And I know I was definitely 100x worse than my sister in terms of my potty mouth and the music I listened to. But cmon now. This is my sister here. She's an innocent witto girl. I think she learned it from that kevjumba wannabe nigahiga. You guys know him? Thinkin he's all cool and funny with his spiky hair and weird way that he talks. He actually is pretty funny, but yo anyone who corrupts my sister's mind is a terrible terrible man!

And this, of course, got me thinking. Maybe this is how God sees us. I'll be off singing soulja boy and God will be like, "What the shizz. Nate, who taught you that?" And I'll say something like, "Yeah I just heard it somewhere and it had this hecka tight dance that went with it. It just got stuck in my head!"
The world sings a similar song. It could be analogous to the way I treat money, sex, clothes... God might ask, "Nate, who taught you that money would bring you happiness?" "Who told you that sex is the only way to have intimacy?" "Who told you that clothes give you your identity?" I'll answer, "Well, I saw it on TV and it looked like it made people happy, so I thought I'd try."

I don't love my sister any less just because she's singing soulja boy in the same way that God doesn't love us any less when we eff up. It's just not what I wanna hear her singing. Hannah Montana, maybe even that Justin Bieber haha. But not soulja boy. Anyone but soulja boy.Wow this kid looks hecka foolish haha

I guess I could go different directions with this experience. Why God gives us commandments. Why it's bad to "stumble" people. But I think in the end it's something everyone can understand. Would you want YOUR kid singing soulja boy around the house? I would hope not. God's grace is enough. But sometimes it's good for us to realize when we're singing stupid songs with our lives.

after urbana

I'm pretty sure you know Outkast. They haven't done a whole lot lately, but a couple years ago they were pretty popular. Now I dunno if you remember the movie Soul Food, which came out in 1997...I don't actually remember the movie, but the album was hecka good, and outkast had a song on there called "in due time," which is one of my favorite songs of all time. You should listen to it when you get a chance. Actually, listen to it right now. Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QF3jFiipzk. You're welcome. But I was reminded of the song while I was at urbana, which is this huge Christian conference thingy in St. Louis...
There are two lines that popped in my head as I was talking to one of the leaders there.

1. "you lookin to be the butterfly without the caterpillar" and
   
2. "you lookin to be big willy but you still a seed boy"
   

Dang... some profound shiz right there.
But these lines came up as I listened to the speakers-- these were men and women who were doing things in the world, who you could see believed in something. Many of them lived with the poor and a lot of them shed tears as they spoke because they were so passionate about the cause of the gospel. In other words, these were spiritual giants--the Lebrons and Monta Ellises of Christianity. It eventually led me to ask, "Dang. When will I get like that?"
And that's when those lines came in... I think the more I learn about Jesus, the more I learn that I have so much more to learn. Did that make sense? Probably not. But I think I have this image of who I wanna be, but then I realize that I'm nowhere close to that. Sometimes God has to remind me, "Nate, you lookin to be big willy but you still a seed boy."

I think the Christian life is filled with rumors. And I think this is why the speakers at Urbana were so engaging and why everyone loves to hear good stories, because it opens us up to other people's experiences. I love to hear my uncles tell me about what their lives were like when they were younger because it opens up a world that I don't know and that I can never go to. But those stories will forever be rumors. I can't ever prove that my uncle did this or that. And church is the same way. I hear from the pulpit, "Jesus doesn't make life easier, but he makes it better" (my pastor loves to say that) but then why do so many people leave Jesus behind when they get to college? I hear "Jesus loves you" but why do I still feel lonely? I hear "Jesus is in the least of these" but how will I ever know? And don't get me wrong, I think these things are beautiful, but I believe that some people think that hearing rumors over and over again is the same as actually experiencing them... I think I'm reaching the point where I'm getting tired of rumors. I wanna see if they're true. If Jesus says that he is the poor, the sick, and the imprisoned, then dangit I better go to those places. If Jesus says that he'll provide for me when I seek his kingdom, then I have to test that promise.
For me, it's kinda like Cheesecake Factory. Man I love that place. Every freakin summer, they get so much money outta me. But I can tell you how good it is, I can make you sing songs about their fried macaroni, and you can even read a book about their restaurant philosophy, but until I take you there on a warm summer night and let you eat on the outdoor patio overlooking the city, you will never know the goodness that is the Cheesecake Factory.
And I think that's the big difference between the speakers at Urbana and many pastors I know--the speakers at Urbana spoke out of their deep experiences whereas I might hear something from a pastor and take it as truth, but really it was just something they heard from another pastor, who heard it from another pastor, who heard it from John Piper (haha). I think it's time for me to stop talking and thinking and to finally start doing something about Jesus. And maybe hecka years from now, after God has led me into different experiences and adventures, I'll no longer be a seed, but I'll be able to say with confidence that I am big willy. Whatever the heck that means.

On Church Membership

As of this past Sunday, I'm officially a member of First Chinese Baptist Church. Yay? Well, actually, I'm not a full member. Because I was baptized by pouring and not by immersion, I can only be an associate member. Questionable policy, to say the least. I think they're gonna put an asterisk by my name in the church directory...And, as an associate member, I am unable to vote on property issues. Theologically, this makes sense because when you're only baptized by pouring or sprinkling, you automatically receive impaired judgment on property issues.
Anyways, membership is such a weird thing. I hated it at first. First of all, that crap is not biblical. Second of all, I didn't like that certain privileges were kept from me because I didn't have the title of member, even though I had been going to church there for a long time. I think it's these kinds of church politics issues that really bug me. Sigh. Complaints aside, it's actually been a big blessing taking membership classes these past 5 or 6 weeks with my senior pastor. I thought it would be tough to sit through, but I really enjoyed hearing what he believes and the kinds of things he's passionate about. Although I wasn't particularly fond of the book we went through (called "The Family of God"), it was a good experience overall. And last week I gave my testimony and the existing church membership voted on me haha. And waddya know, I made it!
I think God's been leading me down this really weird road with fcbc. It's a love/hate kind of relationship maybe. If you're a faithful reader of this blog (thank you), then you know the struggles I've had with church. And for the most part, I still believe strongly that my church has issues, but I can't deny the fact that God has been leading me to be more involved there.
It's weird. Freshmen year, I remember I was so excited that I was away from fcbc, going to Living Water. LW was great. It had a passionate pastor, amazing musicians, cool people, AND free food after service (which was better than the baos at fcbc). (these are baos, which are still delicious)
I guess that's where God wanted me at that time, the place that would serve me best in my first couple years in college. Maybe I'm in a better place now to go to fcbc and serve there. I'm glad. Glad that I know where I'm supposed to be and that God has been faithful in leading me here.

Golden State Warriors and the Church

My first Warriors game was in 1999. We played the Sonics. I remember I was excited after we won that game because the Sonics were actually ranked #1 on Kobe Bryant's NBA Courtside on n64. Back in those days, John Starks was the Stephen Jackson and I remember him hoisting up three threes in a row. He missed the first two but made the last one and he threw his arms up in the air to pump up the crowd...
Back then, Bimbo Coles ran the point, Antawn Jamison was a rookie, and Donyell Marshall was our best player. There was no Roaracle, no "We Believe." If you were a Warriors fan in the 90s, that says something about you. It says that you know how to persevere, how to tolerate pain, and it means that you're probably a little irrational. But to be a Warriors fan in the 90s meant something.
And then "We Believe" happened... I'm not hating on our playoff run, but it changed things. All of the sudden, everyone at school was wearing JRich and Baron jerseys, nerds started talking about the games, and even girls were getting on the hype... something wasn't right. It simply wasn't fair. Just because you're wearing a throwback Warriors jersey and your MySpace says that Monta's your "boo" doesn't mean that you're a legit fan!! You never suffered through the years of Jason Caffey and Chris Mills!! You never fell in love with Adonal Foyle!! And you don't know the pain of watching Vince get ROY when Antawn gets an embarrassing All-Rookie 2nd team alongside Michael Olowakandi...
Do you consider yourself a Warriors fan? Examine yourself. Do you remember when the Warriors used to play on Channel 36 (6 for you kids who had cable)? Do you remember Vonteego? Mookie? Muggsy? Terry Cummings? Jimmy Jackson? Do you remember the hope of Musselman? The pain of Mike Montgomery? ... That's what I thought.

The Church is the same way, you know? There was a time when being a Christian meant something. When, if you claimed that title, people looked at you funny. It meant that you were a radical, a troublemaker, and that you were probably a little irrational. The early church actually had integrity. When everyone deserted the city because of plague, Christians were the ones to stay behind and take care of and even become the sick. Christians were those guys who sold their possessions and shared their wealth. Christians were the ones going to jail for standing against the government... back in the day, being a Christian said a lot about a person.
And then Constantine happened... He made Christianity into the national religion and soon enough, everyone and their moms was on that Christianity hype. It lost its original meaning; these newcomers had no idea what it meant to follow Jesus. They kinda just jumped on late and enjoyed the ride. They didn't know what it was like to suffer at the hands of emperors, to get thrown into jail, to join the poor, or to be martyred for their faith. They just said, "we believe."
And I think the church is still trying to recover. I have a hard time hearing facts like, one third of the world is Christian. I wanna believe it, but I just don't know. I don't even know about myself sometimes. I think if Jesus or Paul had a church today, it would be a lot smaller than we would like to think. But these days, church is all about good music, flat panel tvs on the sides that don't add anything to the service, and pastors that serve as part-time comedians. It's all about getting bigger and better--more people, bigger venue, more lights, more talent... pretty soon God gets pushed out of his own service because we're so concerned with making a production.
Do you consider yourself a Christian? Examine yourself.

On Adventures...

I have this desire in me. I'm not exactly sure where it came from, but it keeps coming up. I really wish that I had a car here in Berkeley. Preferably, a Prius (gas money be ridiculous!). This is a completely selfish desire because I don't want it for any conventional purposes... not to buy groceries for our apartment, not to get to Tolman (although it would be nice), and most definitely not for ministry purposes (no offense anyone). Negatory. I would want the car in Berkeley one reason only: to go on adventures.
Yes, adventures. Spontaneous adventures. Spontaneous adventures to random places. Spontaneous adventures to random far away places. Spontaneous adventures to random far away places with cool people... ok that's enough. But think about it, wouldn't that be frakkin tight (I never say that in real life)? Let's say I'm not doing anything this weekend (which would never happen, thank you shepherd's team meetings) and I have no major assignments coming up (or at least none that I choose to acknowledge), then what shall I do that weekend? Why, go to Reno of course!! Don't feel like Reno? Ok, how about Magic Mountain? Or to the desert to look at the stars?? The possibilities are endless!! And it opens up a whole new world of food options! Let's face it, you get tired of eating freakin La Burrita and pad see ew over and over again. What does Nate feel like eating tonight? Maybe Jack in the Box (50 tacos for $25=legit)? Maybe Palace Korean bbq? Maybe some decent pho place that doesn't give me the runs like pho hoa?
You may be asking, Nate, what is your point with all of this? Patience child, I shall tell you. I think when it comes to blogging, I realize that I post pretty rarely. Twice a month if I (or you) get lucky. And I wonder why this is. I think sometimes I just get tired of writing about my thoughts; it's such a womanly thing to do (no offense). I wish I had more exciting things to write about. I wish I could talk about adventures or funny and exciting stories like my uncles do. A book I'm reading (A million miles in a thousand years) talks about what it means to write a story. Sometimes I wonder if I'm living a life that's worth retelling. Some people say I only have a limited number of stories that I tell to everyone (when I got caught at the cal game, when I let out a really bad fart in my dorm, when my roommate knocked over my bonzai tree without telling me, when I ate the goat food, just to name a few). But really now, who freakin cares about when I farted in my dorm room????
I wanna live a life worth remembering, worth retelling. Be it with "adventures" or roadtrips, or maybe just with relationships... I think I want to be that guy who has a wealth of knowledge because of all the experience he has. Maybe wisdom just comes to people naturally as they go through life, but maybe some people go out and find it. Maybe I'm just a college kid who wants to relish in his freedom. Either way, I want to write a good story with my life... If your life was made into a story, would it be worth telling?