Real Talk...

god of the city

2011-06-10T18:23:00.000-07:00

everything new

2011-05-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.petercallesen.com/index/index2.html

real talk

2011-03-09T15:08:00.000-08:00

im wondering why people blog. why we get tumblrs and facebooks and twitters and then complain about how much time we waste on it. i dont see how we could call it anything but addiction. addictions are escapes. we drink and smoke because we need to escape reality, escape the humdrum monotony of everyday life. we get addicted to things like warcraft or call of duty because we want to escape our irrelevancy. we want a world where we can be good at something, where we can make progress. isnt blogging or facebook or twitter just another form of escape? we want so badly to escape our loneliness. we want other people to know us, to know our thoughts, to know what we're doing, where we're eating, who we are. or at least who we present ourselves to be. i blog about the things i blog about because i want you to see me a certain way. blogging, facebook, and twitter, after all, are simply about creating an image for yourself. i have become addicted to image production. it helps me escape the fact that i am actually broken, inadequate, and needy when maybe the acknowledgement of these things is what i needed from the start.

i think it's a good thing that everyone and their moms is giving up facebook for lent. this is probably why the early monastic tradition is filled with solitude and silence. when you're by yourself with your own thoughts, there's no need for addiction. you can't run from anything. your entire self--brokenness and all--can only be repressed for so long when you dont have tv or internet to distract you. i think lent is a good time to get back to that.

in defense of Grace

2011-01-30T14:41:00.000-08:00

I've been trying for an unnecessary amount of time to think of a funny way to intro this post, but alas I give up. The subject matter is too serious and the News too good to distill it with my feeble attempts at humor. No bs. Here are some excerpts from the book Between Noon and Three, by Robert Farrar Capon:

"Do you see... that it means that I may well be wicked at any time, but that I am free for all time of any condemnation for my wickedness? And that therefore I am free to be wicked, monumentally or shakily, alone or with others, in thought, word, or deed - and with no limits upper or lower my whole life long - and still remain free of my wickedness? Was there any way I could have told you that truth without some shock to your system?"

"Therefore let me lay aside my apologist's bag of tricks for one paragraph and say, as a plain Christian man, what you quite rightly fear I am really saying. There is indeed no horror, no wickedness, no evil - no cruelty, no torture, no holocaust in the whole history of the world - that is not, under the sovereignty of grace, already reconciled in Jesus. And there is no perpetrator of any horror, wickedness, evil, et cetera (up to and including Hitler and your dreadful brother-in-law) who is not, in Jesus, forgiven. That is the Gospel, the Good News, without which we are all obviously dead ducks. But it is also, from where we sit, the most outrageous piece of bad news the world has ever heard because it says quite clearly that, on the basis of anything we can know or feel about the goodness of creation, God is bad. All I can say is that I know and feel that too, and that I can only believe in a God who asks me to trust his Word to the contrary in Jesus crucified and risen... So much, then, for the total honesty of faith. Back to the comforts of theology."

"But all the while, there was one thing we most needed even from the start, and certainly will need from here on out into the New Jerusalem: the ability to take our freedom seriously and act on it, to live not in fear of mistakes but in the knowledge that no mistake can hold a candle to the love that draws us home. My repentance, accordingly, is not so much for my failings but for the two-bit attitude toward them by which I made them more sovereign than grace. Grace - the imperative to hear the music, not just listen for errors - makes all infirmities occasions of glory."

"It is Jesus who saves us, not we ourselves. He dies for us while we are still sinners, not after we have managed to get our act under control. He is lifted up to draw all unto himself, not just those who are willing to break their appointments with the compromises of their lives. His reconciliation of all things in heaven and earth is a fact, conditional upon nothing but his own free choice - on nothing but his totally one-sided act of dropping dead on the cross."

"Jesus came to raise the dead. Not to reform the reformable, not to improve the improvable."

"Everyone who is drawn to Christ, whether now or at the last day, comes with his loser's grip on his own life broken, absolved by death. And that means, quite astonishingly, that Christ judges us only as he holds us, not as we hold ourselves. And since he holds us reconciled, it means that the judgment is, in some vast and fundamental sense, rigged in our favor."

"[Grace] is a love affair with an unlosable lover"

The church needs this message. The world, unchurched, needs this message. Yes, it borders on heresy, relativism, universalism... people will argue against it and with good reason. But the Scriptures point again and again to a God who loves and has saved the entire world. It's too late - my prescription has been adjusted and the world looks so much more beautiful through the lenses of Grace. Let the world know: there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, there is nothing we have ever done in the past and nothing we can ever do in the future, nothing in all creation that can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. Alleluia, amen.

(get the book or come borrow it from me!)

Why Chinese Mothers Are Destroying The Church

2011-01-11T23:29:00.000-08:00

Amy Chua recently published an article in The Wall Street Journal arguing why the Chinese parenting style is conducive to high achievement. To her I humbly respond: Shut the f up.

When one of your primary goals is to justify why calling your child "stupid," "worthless," or "a disgrace" is a beneficial parenting practice, then you is a freakin maniac or what Zach Galifianakis has coined as "the ruhtard."

What really angered me most though--and this is the crazy part--was that the article was true. This IS why Chinese kids are so great. This IS why we succeeded in school, became prodigies on the piano, and were given the debilitating "model minority" label. Like it or not, the values held in high esteem by the older generations do not simply disappear when American-borns stick their middle fingers up at the family tree--it is ingrained in us. And the church has not escaped that influence. Part of the reason this article was so difficult for me to read is because I know that this mindset is alive and well inside Asian churches and it is robbing the Gospel of its power.

How can you expect a church to understand Grace when all we've ever heard is that acceptance comes only as a result of high achievement?

How can you know the Loving Father when all you've ever seen is the belt-wielding, unresponsive father? (You might understand the whole "fearing God" thing, though)

How can you ever understand Freedom and personal faith if you've never had a say in your own passions and if everything has always been black and white, do and don't?

How can you ever understand Jesus if your goal in life is success?

The list goes on.

Don't get me wrong--Chinese ideology has its benefits too. Hard work and discipline as well as hard work and discipline are positive contributions of the system. Oh, and I almost forgot about hard work and discipline. These are things that can’t be ignored for Christians seriously pursuing Jesus. However, Chinese thinking has created a very distinct and, in my opinion, destructive church culture that has to be acknowledged and addressed, especially by folks in my generation.

I have friends who practically do everything for their church. I rarely see them all year because they're always busy, and when we do get to touch base for a little while, they always seem tired and frazzled. They serve their church because they love their church, but I can't help but see all of their efforts and ask, "What's the point of your hard work? To pull God down from heaven all by yourself? To impress him?" Maybe Asian American church leaders have only transferred their achievement-mindedness to the church sphere. Now, God becomes just another unemotional parent figure who chastises us while he swings the gai mo so.

And you'd think Chinese people would eat up an idea like Grace. I mean, it's a free giveaway of God's love and I KNOW Chinese people love free giveaways. But nah, this Grace thing just doesn't seem to make sense to us. I've heard it too many times, people that seem convinced that they're "not good or holy enough" to get baptized. I think that these kinds of ideas break the heart of a God who has always chosen sinners.

I'm rambling, but a couple more points. The example in the article where the mom forces her daughter to get the piano song right... this might work with piano, but it doesn't transfer over to faith. You don't practice faith until you like it or until it becomes easy; if you’re forced to practice faith, then perhaps it isn't really your faith. And if faith is something our parents simply forced upon us, we eventually reach the point where we either find ways to make it personally meaningful or we drop it altogether (which is what happens a lot in college). Our orderliness and black-and-white nature make the Asian church susceptible to the manufacturing of robots. We’ve been told and programmed what to do; we know the answers, we can do the practices, but we don't know how to ask questions or to think for ourselves.

I used to be optimistic about change. Now, I'm not so sure. Asian churches are generational; children's faiths often look a lot like parents' faiths; we are set in our ways. I understand why, historically, the Asian American church is the way it is. Especially for folks in San Francisco, churches were (and are) literally, sanctuaries. For immigrants coming in without a grasp of English and without a lot of resources, church was a good community. Away from angry white people, around those who understand you, throw in a God who helps the oppressed and you got yourself a formula for success. No wonder Asian American churches have a strong sense of community, a big passion for inreach and a value for taking care of their own, but also typically ignore things like social justice, radical giving, and missions. The Asian church in America was built on self-centeredness.

And it worked. We succeeded. We achieved the American dream. Thank God our Chinese mothers never gave up on us. We became middle and upper-class citizens and we praised Him for it. Church was our original safe haven and we moved out to the suburbs to cling even more tightly to our comfort. We ran from the suffering we once endured and we had cute kids and sent them to Sunday school to learn about Jonah without realizing the irony that one day the whale might come and get us too. We are running from Jesus Christ, the one who told us to give away everything, to be last, and to love our enemies. We baptize each other in lukewarm water and call it discipleship.

The answer, obviously, is not simply to sprint in the opposite direction. God knows that this generation has abandoned discipline and hard work to our own detriment. Also, I needa check myself to make sure that this isn't some lame postmodern, free-thinker, everything-is-good-if-it-comes-from-the-heart kind of rant. But I believe there needs to be a shift and that people like Amy Chua need to be taken down and burned at the stake. Jk about the last part, but yes. I love the Asian American church. I really honestly do. I understand filial piety and I respect our esteem for tradition, but the Gospel must trump culture in every instance, and if ethnic barriers keep us from fully following Jesus, then they gotta come down. It'll be a slow process, but someone's gotta do it.

And of course, I'm projecting. Forgive me if you believe the judgments in this post to be incorrect, for there is a huge plank that is obstructing my vision. Yet I am confident for both myself and the church that he who began a good work will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

2010-12-08T23:35:00.000-08:00

Since the TV went out, I've been doing a lot of reading.

Every once in awhile when you read something--and it's the same way with music--it seems like everything in the universe boils down to the words in front of you. Like, the timing that you read it, what you're going through in real life, the room you're in, your mood, the tone of the words--they all just come together and hit you like a ton of bricks.

It happened about a month ago that I read the epilogue to Michael Spencer's Mere Churchianity. It's a one-page epilogue and it's an entry from his journal. It's impossible that you will read it the same way I did because our contexts are different, but I hope that on some level you will connect with it as I have. This small text has influenced the way I walk and pray and fight and I hope you will find some kind of good in it.

Michael Spencer died six months after he wrote this. Be blessed...

At approximately 1pm EST, the doctor's office called to tell me there were matters of concern on the CT scan. So no matter how long one has resisted the reality that the journey will take this turn, the turn arrives without permission and without the agreement that I will be able to find some mental tactic to live in denial. The next chapter arrives at its own time with its own contents, and I must open it now.
Like it or not, this is what I must live with, worship with, pray with, and love with today. This is my life as it comes to me from God. This is the God I know in Jesus. This is the God who gives my life significance. Whatever I am... or whatever I hope to be comes in the love of this God for me. The day is about receiving God's love; enjoying God's love; placing my many, many fears in God's love. This is today: a new turn, a new chapter, the same loving Father whom Jesus called Abba.
Every word of the Gospel is written to men who will be dead but are now alive by the mercy of God. This is my life and the life of all other persons.

NBA 2k11 and Advent

2010-12-01T14:58:00.000-08:00

I had fasted from NBA 2k11 for 40 days. I postponed Nate Lee's budding NBA career, a season with the Warriors, reliving Michael Jordan's greatest moments, and owning Sammy Lee for 40 whole days.

When my fast ended, our TV broke...

Since then, I have been doing an involuntary fast.

When the TV went out, it honestly felt like God was kicking me in the groin. Repeatedly.

Like, I did this for you God, and this is how you're gonna reward me?? By breaking my TV? I didn't know that's how you rolled, G-man. Now the TV just sits there in our living room, staring at me as if to say, "Oh hey what's up Nate. You want me? You like how I look? Do you miss the lovin I used to give you? You miss your Warriors and your Netflix? Well too bad! I'm just a useless box taking up 43 inches of your living room now! That's what you get for buying me off Craigslist!!" Sometimes, I just want to punch him in the face. I mean, if he were a person. Which he's not.

But, in my infinite patience and wisdom, I have of course extracted a valuable lesson from this unfortunate happenstance. It is especially applicable for life right now because we are in the season of Advent, and in many ways, I am learning about waiting.

Advent is about preparing for Jesus' coming. Similarly, I am waiting for the coming of a new TV (Thanks Sammy and Black Friday!). As blasphemous as that is, I am realizing how hard it is to be on the edge of the arrival of something good, but knowing that it is still a ways off. Waiting is not fun. Sometimes we lose faith that the thing we are waiting for will ever really come. And when it comes, will it even be all that it's hyped up to be? In regards to my future, am I willing to wait for God to show me where he wants me to be? I feel like I'm perpetually trapped in this waiting, in-between period of who I am now and who I want to be. I don't think this kind of waiting will ever be satisfied. For those of us going through hard times, stuck in our Exiles of joblessness, loneliness, bad grades, or just plain weariness, do we really have faith that our waiting will be rewarded, as God always promised to Israel?

My favorite blog, internetmonk.com, puts it like this:

The main cry of one who practices the form of prayer called “lament” is, “How long?”That’s how people who live perpetually in-between think and pray. We know we can’t go back to some golden age in the past. We know we have not yet arrived at the new creation promised to us. We live in-between. We long for in-between to end. Like children in the back seat, we must be a continual annoyance to our Father—“Are we there yet?”

For hundreds of years Israel waited. A lot of them died waiting. When Jesus finally came, he was not what they were waiting for. Maybe that's how God works. Perhaps my TV will not bring the fulfillment I am hoping for. Ok, I know the TV will not bring that fulfillment. But in the meantime, I must be ok with life post-TV and pre-new TV. I must also be ok with not knowing where my future is heading. I have to be ok with waiting. There is no point in making myself a nice little cocoon woven out of self-pity and anxiety; the waiting period is not a time of wallowing in worry. God wants me here, even if I know I am not currently who I want to be. I hold onto my faith and I hope that, by his good pleasure, I will safely arrive at home.

We are beggars. This is true.

2010-11-18T21:33:00.000-08:00

My favorite line of all Sufjan Stevens songs—

“Tuesday night at the Bible study/we lift our hands and pray over your body/but nothing ever happens.”

…

Yes…?

Please continue, Sufjan…

Sing the part that goes, “Next Tuesday night at the following Bible study/we lift our hands and pray over your body one more time/and then you get healed”

Surprise! That line never comes.

But cmon surressly now, who puts a line like that in a song? No one cares about that shizz. The songs about miracles and healings and victory—those are the songs that sell.

But there’s something crazy about that one line. It’s just so… human. And I think that’s something that’s hard for some people to really admit—

We are human. It is quite unfortunate sometimes.

And we often live our lives in denial of that fact. We act like believing in Jesus somehow transfigures us into beings that are no longer human. We become so convinced that faith inevitably leads to complete and total healing, victory, deliverance, whatever you wanna call it… but it doesn’t.

No matter how many miracles we see, testimonies we hear, times we read the Bible, or prayers we have answered... our doubts will never leave us completely. We may never be fully healed of our loneliness. We will never not be broken. Sorry. These are ripples of prosperity gospel, and they simply aren’t true.

God does not pull us out of our humanity. Instead he comes into it. The moment we try so hard to be like Jesus or to live a life that is righteous enough or to move beyond our humanity, we nullify God's grace. We do not need a God if we are trying to become one. Adam and Eve learned that the hard way.

There are so many hurting people in church. They need to know that they can be fully human. It is ok that you are trying to believe in God and you still feel lost, alone, or afraid. God and brokenness are not mutually exclusive. In fact, we desperately need our brokenness. The miracles turn into testimonies and the healings make the headlines and it is easy for the very human experiences of faith to be silenced. The Christian life is not experienced through miracle after miracle. It is an everyday war. And when we win, Jesus is with us. And when we lose, Jesus is with us.

I believe in miracles and healings and all those beautiful, God-honoring things. But I honestly believe that God looks the most perfect in our lives when we look the most imperfect. Please, everyone, be human.

sometimes i need to be reminded

2010-10-07T10:51:00.000-07:00

how small i am...

click to enlarge

"the possible and the impossible are the same--they are both smaller than God"

Psychology and Faith

2010-09-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

I'm a psych major.

That means when I first met you, I could already tell what kind of person you were because you had your hands in your pockets, you scratched your right cheek every time you talked about your roommate, and you licked your lips every once in awhile, which meant that you were physically attracted to me. There's empirical research to back that last one up.

One big thing that you take away as a psych major, especially if you take a class like social psych, is that the mind is a very powerful and, at the same time, a very feeble thing. Powerful in the sense that it can control so much of your behavior without you even knowing and feeble in the sense that it can be altered so easily and so subtly... take, for example, studies done on mental priming or subliminal thought.

There was a study done on young adults to test the power of mental priming. So they would tell the participant to form a sentence using words from a word bank. The control group would receive a word bank with neutral words, maybe something like, "paper; on; sits; desk" and the sentence would be "The paper sits on the desk." The experimental group, however, would be

primed with old people words like "wrinkles" or "arthritis" or "Florida" haha. And then they made the sentence with those words. After they submitted their sentences, the researchers timed the participants on how long it took them to walk down the hall and out of the building. Crazy thing is, the participants who were primed with the old people words took a significantly longer time to exit the building than the control group. Conclusion: the old people words primed them to feel old, so they walked slower, like old people do! Crazy.

There are other amazing studies. A picture can flash on my computer screen so quickly that my brain can't even process it, and it can still profoundly affect my behavior. I can be convinced that 2+2=5 if there are enough people around me that believe it's true... that one's pretty intense. Maybe you know where this is going...

These studies show me one thing: the mind can be manipulated and molded in so many ways that we don't even notice or understand. The way we act and behave, what we believe, the smallest everyday decisions we make are all influenced by small and seemingly insignificant things we come across in our lives. It's scary if you think about it too much.

I was thinking about the idea of Truth. If the mind is such a fragile thing, how can anyone claim rights to complete Truth? The religious right might believe that they have a monopoly on truth the same way the Catholic church might believe that they have a monopoly on truth the same way the Mormon church, the same way the most evil man in the world... Truth seems so relative when I take into consideration all the ways the mind can be manipulated and even tricked. I know very well how easy it is to jump right on board with an eloquent preacher, a captivating worship song, or a feel-good message. These things aren't bad, but they do, to an extent, mold your mind more and more into... something--whether that something is right or wrong is another question.

If you know me, you know that my mind is often filled with doubts and questions like these. I fear the manipulative power of organized religion. I really do. I've seen Jesus Camp. That shizz is scary. I sometimes question myself, if I've somehow allowed myself to get lost in this fog. If I'm just living in some state of ignorance or self-delusion, if this whole faith thing is just something I fell into that I'm now trying to convince myself is the real deal. I think what makes it harder is that many Christians just seem so sure, as if certainty was the prerequisite for spiritual maturity. Let your doubts be buried; trust more, pray more, and then God will work. I hold tight to spiritual giants like Mother Teresa and Martin Luther who could not separate their unfailing obedience to God with their most damning doubts.

If there is anything that keeps me grounded, though, it is the homeless refugee bastard baby Jesus Christ (bastard bc he didn't have an earthly father. I ain't being disrespectful!). To me, Jesus is so captivating a person, such a pure embodiment of--yes--Truth, that I cannot remain unchanged by the life he lived. I still have my questions about the Old Testament, about the Holy Spirit, about Paul's letters, about the present day church, but as long as I know that Jesus is the center of this entire thing, I know that there is something here worth living for. All human manipulation and distortion cannot change the person of Jesus. On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

Chinatown Lunch Lady

2010-07-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

I'm working at church this summer. One thing we do for the kiddies is provide them with delicious government lunch everyday. It usually consists of a bologna sandwich, maybe goldfish, and--a new addition this year--packaged cucumbers or jicama. I'm not sure why anyone would package jicama and give it to kids as part of government lunch, but whatever. What is jicama anyways??

Every week, this Chinese lady comes and checks up on us, makes sure that we're running procedure and protocol correctly, and collects the receipts we receive from the delivery man and paperwork that we have to fill out every time we distribute lunch. I don't know her name, but I assume it's Wendy, because I think most fobby Chinese women are named Wendy (I'm serious. I know like 5 Wendys/Wendies who are really fobby. This theory is a branch off of a larger theory that fobby Chinese parents prefer female names that end in "ndy," which is a branch off of an even larger theory that fobby Chinese parents, for both genders, prefer names that end in "y"). So, every week Wendy comes around sporting her excessively large backpack, walking at a very brisk and determined pace, and she asks me with her Chinese accent if I have all the paperwork from the previous week. Usually, it's a very tedious and frustrating process for us both because we don't fill out our paperwork correctly. She gets frustrated and stands there impatiently as I fix the mistakes we've made on our lunch forms. And I swear the woman has no sense of humor. If I try to say a joke to lighten the mood/distract her from our incorrect paperwork, homegirl has no response. Straight up stoneface. Like, seriously, lighten up. I imagine going from lunchsite to lunchsite is pretty monotonous, I would expect that she'd appreciate me trying to add some fun into her job, but nooo.

Anyways, Wendy came last Thursday to watch us do lunch and make sure our protocol was correct. She also informed me that I was missing a delivery receipt from the previous week. This is bad. Wendy don't mess around. And I knew we didn't have the receipt. I knew where it was. Sitting on my desk. At home. Because I popped it in my pocket one day instead of putting it in our lunch folder where it belongs. F. So in her Christlike grace and mercy, Wendy says, "I come back to tomorrow, you have receipt." I say, "Yes maam!"

I forgot the receipt. I made the reminder on my phone. But when it went off, I was dancing. At a church dance (who has church dances? ... that's a post for another time). I forgot about it until the following morning. You know that feeling you get when you're lying in bed about to fall asleep and then realize that you forgot about that one big homework assignment due the next day? Yeah it was like that. You get that droopy feeling in your stomach and you say something like "freakin crap!!" So I tell the 5 or so people around me to pray that Wendy doesn't come. I was so scared that I'd be minding my own business, chillin with the kiddies, and then I'd see her and her oversized backpack coming up the stairs. She'd ask for the receipt and I'd look at the floor and admit that I had forgotten... And to make it worse, sometimes she comes at the very end of the day. So pretty much from 7:30am to 4pm I was on edge, asking God again and again, "Don't let Wendy come. Don't let Wendy come."

And she didn't come.

But the whole ordeal reminded me of something. I wrote about this maybe as my second or third post ever, but it came back in vivid fashion with this experience...

I don't ever want my relationship with Jesus to be like this, knowing that I'm not right and praying everyday, "God, don't let today be judgment day, don't let today be Jesus' second coming." Do it on a day where I haven't done anything wrong. Do it on a day that we do a service project or when I have Bible study, but not today, because today I was impatient with my friend or I looked at porn or I cheated on a test...

What a terrible way to live. The Bible says that it is for freedom that we have been set free. Even though I still think that that verse is redundant and confusing, it's still true. We've been set free--but that freedom can still be distorted into bondage if used incorrectly. Real freedom means that we can live without fear, be it from judgment day or from Wendy, the stone-hearted Chinatown lunch lady. God's kindness leads us to redemption, not his anger or judgment or our fear of those things. I think once I realize this, things will get easier. But for now, pray that Wendy doesn't come (I'll ask her this week what her real name is).

On Faith and Baseball

2010-05-07T02:26:00.000-07:00

There was one year that I tried to play fantasy baseball. That crap is dumb. First of all, there are too many players and they play too often--you can't keep track. Second of all, you can't tell if players are doing well because their numbers are so low. A good game is like 3 hits or something. If 3 is the highest number that you get to see on a given day, then count me out. That's not exciting at all.
But I think the real reason I hated fantasy baseball is because I didn't really know much about baseball. I know some Giants players and I know that I hate the Yankees. I also know that Tim Lincecum is raw and he smokes pot and that I like him for those reasons, but that's really about it. So I updated my fantasy baseball roster for about 3 weeks until I realized that it was useless. If I really wanted to get excited about fantasy baseball the way I do about basketball, then I would have to do tons of research and study on all the baseball players so that I would know what I was doing. Needless to say, I did not put in that effort. Bottom line, fantasy baseball sucks.

And really, I sense a similar theme in my faith. It's frustrating sometimes. I look at the Scriptures and I see a very one-sided image of faith. When Jesus describes what the Kingdom is like, he is clear about how to enter: it's an all-or-nothing kind of deal. Again and again I only see that Jesus wants followers who have left everything for his sake. There is no middle ground, no indecision, no going back and forth. You cannot simply dip your toes into the water, you gotta dive into it headfirst.
And that scares the hell out of me. And maybe it's supposed to. Or maybe it's supposed to scare the heaven into me. Regardless, sometimes I wonder if my current struggles with faith are only a result of my middle-ground-ness. That as I am dipping my toes into the Living Water, I am only doing a disservice to myself. Either I dive in, or I go completely back on land. Maybe this is why Jesus gets so mad about people being lukewarm--it just doesn't do anyone any good.
I think my faith is like fantasy baseball. I simply cannot invest myself entirely into it. It is not natural for me. If I want to truly experience the real joy of fantasy baseball--the full life that Jesus promises--then I have to go all in. There is no other way.
I remind myself that it is a process. I know it is. The disciples, even after following Jesus for a couple years, were still greedy sometimes, jealous too, and a few turned their backs on Jesus at times. I find comfort in how stupid the disciples were. Yet they had one thing going for them the whole time--they had left everything behind to follow Jesus. Even if they were dumb sometimes, they had nonetheless taken that first extraordinary step of faith, leaving behind house, family, money, possessions to follow Jesus.
Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if we're doing faith all wrong. I look at the Word and see one picture of discipleship. The first step always seems to be getting rid of all or most of your possessions. That's the first step! He told his disciples to do it, he told the rich young ruler to do it, Zaccheus did it, he told the church in Laodicea to do it... sometimes I wonder if I'm only running in place because I haven't taken that first step yet. Dang that sentence was deep.
Well, I'm getting too serious now. Bottom line, fantasy baseball sucks.

christian guys are really gay

2010-02-13T02:41:00.002-08:00

said my friend Ryan one time. "It's because Christianity looks down on you if you get too close to a girl, so guys just take it out on other guys."

Amen amen.

I ended up using Ryan's quote on an anthropology paper once. Got a B+. I think it's pretty true though. Christian culture forces people to think creatively on how to be social. For example, it forces us to find ways to have fun without alcohol. This is why Christians love board games and can come up with these ridiculous games like Table of Death and the "spin around and jump over a stick" game. When you really think about it, some of it is down right foolish. But they're fun. And they're generally wholesome. Everyone wins.
Likewise, when it comes to relationships, guy-girl contact in a Christian context is dangerous. Most guys play it safe. If a guy needs to release some sexual energy, he'll most likely end up massaging some other dude or getting in a wrestling match or something like that. I dunno. I'm only generalizing. This topic is just kinda awkward.

The guy in this picture is obviously not Christian...

But the truth is, Christian guys are especially gay towards one another. There's no huge attempt at being pc right now, so let's just put it all out there. Christian guys just touch each other. Not in a nasty way, but just as a "wassup, we're homeboys, I can't get too close to that cute girl right now, so imma just hold you" kinda thing. No biggie.
And if you're not a Christian and you're reading this like wtf, then I totally understand. Especially considering the American church's stance on homosexuality, this probably doesn't make much sense. Or maybe it does... because the church is also infamously hypocritical. I dunno. This post is not about the church's views on homosexuality. I don't even wanna get into that. Ok let's just get back to the important stuff. About guys touching each other.

Ok, really, I don't even really wanna talk about that anymore. It was supposed to be a segue into guy-girl relationships in the church, but I just kept rambling about church gayness. This is what I really wanted to talk about:

I've noticed something difficult about church culture and its unspoken views on romantic relationships. It's such an odd and frustrating thing... Basically, it comes down to this basic principle:

If you are a Christian in a romantic relationship and you are not spayed or neutered, you are setting yourself up for a crapload of guilt.

That's just how it is. And let's be honest here, church doesn't talk about sex very often (unless you're studying Ecclesiastes), so I think it's important that it can get acknowledged once in awhile because it's something that affects a ton of Christian people who are passionate both to their significant other and to their God. They're not mutually exclusive. But the simple fact that we have hormones means that--unfortunately--we're gonna want sex... Dang this is awkward... And it just sucks that a lot of Christians who are romantically involved see their relationships with God slowly go to the crapper because being sexually involved with someone just feels a lot more exciting than reading the Bible... Dang this post is gonna get me trouble... It just bothers me a lot that getting into a relationship seems to automatically put you in a downward slope with God... And whose fault is that? Is it our fault that we want to be physically involved? Is it the church's fault for staying silent on the subject while imposing rules and making us feel guilty when we can't keep them? Is it God's fault for making us this way and for calling us to such a high standard? It's all just confusing to me.

Do I think that there is such a thing as a genuinely Christ-centered relationship? Of course I do. But the very very honest reality is that romantic relationships for Christians is freaking difficult. And maybe this is why guy-girl contact is so frowned upon in church circles. Ahh yes, it all makes sense now. This post has indeed come full circle. There's nothing left to really say but, guys, continue only getting close to other guys. That way, we stay safe, uninhibited, and guilt-free.

soulja boy off in dis... no

2010-01-18T12:02:00.000-08:00

So I was just chillin in my room one night a couple weeks ago and I overhear my mom and sister talking in the hallway. I think my sister is telling my mom about the music she likes or some videos that she watched on youtube (my sister is 11 by the way) and all of the sudden... no it can't be... how does she.... wow.

"soulja boy off in this hoo, watch me crank it watch me rooolll, watch me crank that soulja boy then superman that hoo"

Oh hell no. My sister was NOT singing soulja boy. I'm pretty sure she had no idea what she was actually singing, but seriously now. And my mom is pretty clueless about these things too so I don't blame her. And I know I was definitely 100x worse than my sister in terms of my potty mouth and the music I listened to. But cmon now. This is my sister here. She's an innocent witto girl. I think she learned it from that kevjumba wannabe nigahiga. You guys know him? Thinkin he's all cool and funny with his spiky hair and weird way that he talks. He actually is pretty funny, but yo anyone who corrupts my sister's mind is a terrible terrible man!

And this, of course, got me thinking. Maybe this is how God sees us. I'll be off singing soulja boy and God will be like, "What the shizz. Nate, who taught you that?" And I'll say something like, "Yeah I just heard it somewhere and it had this hecka tight dance that went with it. It just got stuck in my head!"
The world sings a similar song. It could be analogous to the way I treat money, sex, clothes... God might ask, "Nate, who taught you that money would bring you happiness?" "Who told you that sex is the only way to have intimacy?" "Who told you that clothes give you your identity?" I'll answer, "Well, I saw it on TV and it looked like it made people happy, so I thought I'd try."

I don't love my sister any less just because she's singing soulja boy in the same way that God doesn't love us any less when we eff up. It's just not what I wanna hear her singing. Hannah Montana, maybe even that Justin Bieber haha. But not soulja boy. Anyone but soulja boy.Wow this kid looks hecka foolish haha

I guess I could go different directions with this experience. Why God gives us commandments. Why it's bad to "stumble" people. But I think in the end it's something everyone can understand. Would you want YOUR kid singing soulja boy around the house? I would hope not. God's grace is enough. But sometimes it's good for us to realize when we're singing stupid songs with our lives.

after urbana

2010-01-06T21:52:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure you know Outkast. They haven't done a whole lot lately, but a couple years ago they were pretty popular. Now I dunno if you remember the movie Soul Food, which came out in 1997...I don't actually remember the movie, but the album was hecka good, and outkast had a song on there called "in due time," which is one of my favorite songs of all time. You should listen to it when you get a chance. Actually, listen to it right now. Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QF3jFiipzk. You're welcome. But I was reminded of the song while I was at urbana, which is this huge Christian conference thingy in St. Louis...
There are two lines that popped in my head as I was talking to one of the leaders there.

"you lookin to be the butterfly without the caterpillar" and
"you lookin to be big willy but you still a seed boy"

Dang... some profound shiz right there.
But these lines came up as I listened to the speakers-- these were men and women who were doing things in the world, who you could see believed in something. Many of them lived with the poor and a lot of them shed tears as they spoke because they were so passionate about the cause of the gospel. In other words, these were spiritual giants--the Lebrons and Monta Ellises of Christianity. It eventually led me to ask, "Dang. When will I get like that?"
And that's when those lines came in... I think the more I learn about Jesus, the more I learn that I have so much more to learn. Did that make sense? Probably not. But I think I have this image of who I wanna be, but then I realize that I'm nowhere close to that. Sometimes God has to remind me, "Nate, you lookin to be big willy but you still a seed boy."

I think the Christian life is filled with rumors. And I think this is why the speakers at Urbana were so engaging and why everyone loves to hear good stories, because it opens us up to other people's experiences. I love to hear my uncles tell me about what their lives were like when they were younger because it opens up a world that I don't know and that I can never go to. But those stories will forever be rumors. I can't ever prove that my uncle did this or that. And church is the same way. I hear from the pulpit, "Jesus doesn't make life easier, but he makes it better" (my pastor loves to say that) but then why do so many people leave Jesus behind when they get to college? I hear "Jesus loves you" but why do I still feel lonely? I hear "Jesus is in the least of these" but how will I ever know? And don't get me wrong, I think these things are beautiful, but I believe that some people think that hearing rumors over and over again is the same as actually experiencing them... I think I'm reaching the point where I'm getting tired of rumors. I wanna see if they're true. If Jesus says that he is the poor, the sick, and the imprisoned, then dangit I better go to those places. If Jesus says that he'll provide for me when I seek his kingdom, then I have to test that promise.
For me, it's kinda like Cheesecake Factory. Man I love that place. Every freakin summer, they get so much money outta me. But I can tell you how good it is, I can make you sing songs about their fried macaroni, and you can even read a book about their restaurant philosophy, but until I take you there on a warm summer night and let you eat on the outdoor patio overlooking the city, you will never know the goodness that is the Cheesecake Factory.
And I think that's the big difference between the speakers at Urbana and many pastors I know--the speakers at Urbana spoke out of their deep experiences whereas I might hear something from a pastor and take it as truth, but really it was just something they heard from another pastor, who heard it from another pastor, who heard it from John Piper (haha). I think it's time for me to stop talking and thinking and to finally start doing something about Jesus. And maybe hecka years from now, after God has led me into different experiences and adventures, I'll no longer be a seed, but I'll be able to say with confidence that I am big willy. Whatever the heck that means.

On Church Membership

2009-12-07T17:24:00.001-08:00

As of this past Sunday, I'm officially a member of First Chinese Baptist Church. Yay? Well, actually, I'm not a full member. Because I was baptized by pouring and not by immersion, I can only be an associate member. Questionable policy, to say the least. I think they're gonna put an asterisk by my name in the church directory...And, as an associate member, I am unable to vote on property issues. Theologically, this makes sense because when you're only baptized by pouring or sprinkling, you automatically receive impaired judgment on property issues.
Anyways, membership is such a weird thing. I hated it at first. First of all, that crap is not biblical. Second of all, I didn't like that certain privileges were kept from me because I didn't have the title of member, even though I had been going to church there for a long time. I think it's these kinds of church politics issues that really bug me. Sigh. Complaints aside, it's actually been a big blessing taking membership classes these past 5 or 6 weeks with my senior pastor. I thought it would be tough to sit through, but I really enjoyed hearing what he believes and the kinds of things he's passionate about. Although I wasn't particularly fond of the book we went through (called "The Family of God"), it was a good experience overall. And last week I gave my testimony and the existing church membership voted on me haha. And waddya know, I made it!
I think God's been leading me down this really weird road with fcbc. It's a love/hate kind of relationship maybe. If you're a faithful reader of this blog (thank you), then you know the struggles I've had with church. And for the most part, I still believe strongly that my church has issues, but I can't deny the fact that God has been leading me to be more involved there.
It's weird. Freshmen year, I remember I was so excited that I was away from fcbc, going to Living Water. LW was great. It had a passionate pastor, amazing musicians, cool people, AND free food after service (which was better than the baos at fcbc). (these are baos, which are still delicious)
I guess that's where God wanted me at that time, the place that would serve me best in my first couple years in college. Maybe I'm in a better place now to go to fcbc and serve there. I'm glad. Glad that I know where I'm supposed to be and that God has been faithful in leading me here.

Golden State Warriors and the Church

2009-11-22T13:30:00.000-08:00

My first Warriors game was in 1999. We played the Sonics. I remember I was excited after we won that game because the Sonics were actually ranked #1 on Kobe Bryant's NBA Courtside on n64. Back in those days, John Starks was the Stephen Jackson and I remember him hoisting up three threes in a row. He missed the first two but made the last one and he threw his arms up in the air to pump up the crowd...
Back then, Bimbo Coles ran the point, Antawn Jamison was a rookie, and Donyell Marshall was our best player. There was no Roaracle, no "We Believe." If you were a Warriors fan in the 90s, that says something about you. It says that you know how to persevere, how to tolerate pain, and it means that you're probably a little irrational. But to be a Warriors fan in the 90s meant something.
And then "We Believe" happened... I'm not hating on our playoff run, but it changed things. All of the sudden, everyone at school was wearing JRich and Baron jerseys, nerds started talking about the games, and even girls were getting on the hype... something wasn't right. It simply wasn't fair. Just because you're wearing a throwback Warriors jersey and your MySpace says that Monta's your "boo" doesn't mean that you're a legit fan!! You never suffered through the years of Jason Caffey and Chris Mills!! You never fell in love with Adonal Foyle!! And you don't know the pain of watching Vince get ROY when Antawn gets an embarrassing All-Rookie 2nd team alongside Michael Olowakandi...
Do you consider yourself a Warriors fan? Examine yourself. Do you remember when the Warriors used to play on Channel 36 (6 for you kids who had cable)? Do you remember Vonteego? Mookie? Muggsy? Terry Cummings? Jimmy Jackson? Do you remember the hope of Musselman? The pain of Mike Montgomery? ... That's what I thought.

The Church is the same way, you know? There was a time when being a Christian meant something. When, if you claimed that title, people looked at you funny. It meant that you were a radical, a troublemaker, and that you were probably a little irrational. The early church actually had integrity. When everyone deserted the city because of plague, Christians were the ones to stay behind and take care of and even become the sick. Christians were those guys who sold their possessions and shared their wealth. Christians were the ones going to jail for standing against the government... back in the day, being a Christian said a lot about a person.
And then Constantine happened... He made Christianity into the national religion and soon enough, everyone and their moms was on that Christianity hype. It lost its original meaning; these newcomers had no idea what it meant to follow Jesus. They kinda just jumped on late and enjoyed the ride. They didn't know what it was like to suffer at the hands of emperors, to get thrown into jail, to join the poor, or to be martyred for their faith. They just said, "we believe."
And I think the church is still trying to recover. I have a hard time hearing facts like, one third of the world is Christian. I wanna believe it, but I just don't know. I don't even know about myself sometimes. I think if Jesus or Paul had a church today, it would be a lot smaller than we would like to think. But these days, church is all about good music, flat panel tvs on the sides that don't add anything to the service, and pastors that serve as part-time comedians. It's all about getting bigger and better--more people, bigger venue, more lights, more talent... pretty soon God gets pushed out of his own service because we're so concerned with making a production.
Do you consider yourself a Christian? Examine yourself.

On Adventures...

2009-11-13T16:06:00.000-08:00

I have this desire in me. I'm not exactly sure where it came from, but it keeps coming up. I really wish that I had a car here in Berkeley. Preferably, a Prius (gas money be ridiculous!). This is a completely selfish desire because I don't want it for any conventional purposes... not to buy groceries for our apartment, not to get to Tolman (although it would be nice), and most definitely not for ministry purposes (no offense anyone). Negatory. I would want the car in Berkeley one reason only: to go on adventures.
Yes, adventures. Spontaneous adventures. Spontaneous adventures to random places. Spontaneous adventures to random far away places. Spontaneous adventures to random far away places with cool people... ok that's enough. But think about it, wouldn't that be frakkin tight (I never say that in real life)? Let's say I'm not doing anything this weekend (which would never happen, thank you shepherd's team meetings) and I have no major assignments coming up (or at least none that I choose to acknowledge), then what shall I do that weekend? Why, go to Reno of course!! Don't feel like Reno? Ok, how about Magic Mountain? Or to the desert to look at the stars?? The possibilities are endless!! And it opens up a whole new world of food options! Let's face it, you get tired of eating freakin La Burrita and pad see ew over and over again. What does Nate feel like eating tonight? Maybe Jack in the Box (50 tacos for $25=legit)? Maybe Palace Korean bbq? Maybe some decent pho place that doesn't give me the runs like pho hoa?
You may be asking, Nate, what is your point with all of this? Patience child, I shall tell you. I think when it comes to blogging, I realize that I post pretty rarely. Twice a month if I (or you) get lucky. And I wonder why this is. I think sometimes I just get tired of writing about my thoughts; it's such a womanly thing to do (no offense). I wish I had more exciting things to write about. I wish I could talk about adventures or funny and exciting stories like my uncles do. A book I'm reading (A million miles in a thousand years) talks about what it means to write a story. Sometimes I wonder if I'm living a life that's worth retelling. Some people say I only have a limited number of stories that I tell to everyone (when I got caught at the cal game, when I let out a really bad fart in my dorm, when my roommate knocked over my bonzai tree without telling me, when I ate the goat food, just to name a few). But really now, who freakin cares about when I farted in my dorm room????
I wanna live a life worth remembering, worth retelling. Be it with "adventures" or roadtrips, or maybe just with relationships... I think I want to be that guy who has a wealth of knowledge because of all the experience he has. Maybe wisdom just comes to people naturally as they go through life, but maybe some people go out and find it. Maybe I'm just a college kid who wants to relish in his freedom. Either way, I want to write a good story with my life... If your life was made into a story, would it be worth telling?

Feelings

2009-10-11T14:55:00.000-07:00

I used to be a crybaby. I cried whenever I got in trouble. I cried because I didn't like this one kid at my karate class. I cried because we got stuck on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. I cried my first day in 2nd grade just because it was my first day of second grade. One time my best friend and I were waiting in line to get on the monkey bars. For some reason I decided to push him off the platform. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but then he got hurt and started crying. And then I started crying too haha. I was a weird kid...

These days, I don't cry much anymore. I mean, there was that time I watched Armageddon and maybe once in awhile I'll get misty-eyed, but really, I'm not an emotional guy. It's something that's been eating at me recently. I'm really whatevers about everything. I hate it. I don't FEEL anything very deeply anymore. Sometimes I talk with those kinds of girls that get really emotional about everything... yknow those kinds of girls, right? They preface most sentences with an "OMG" or end other sentences with a really annoying whiny sound... yeah those girls (not directed at any specific person!). And as annoying as they get sometimes, I really wanna be like that. Well, not exactly like that, but I wanna feel things. I want my highs to be highs and maybe my lows to be kinda low too. For me, everything just kind hovers around the mean. Which, I guess could have its advantages too. I mean, I don't stress out very easily and I manage to keep my composure when things get weird. But sometimes, I really just wanna be a crybaby again.

I was watching this video. I luhh switchfoot. I'm excited for their new album. The part that gets me in this video is 2:10-2:35... I want that. I want to believe and love something so passionately that everything I do is an expression of my desperation for that thing. I wanna know that with every action I decide to make, that it's something I am willing to DIE doing. If the world ended this very second, would I be satisfied with the fact that the last thing I did on this earth was writing in my blog? Would you be satisfied knowing that the last thing you did was reading Nate Lee's random thoughts about his sensitive childhood??? That's a terrible thing to be doing! So go, do something with intention. Do something with feeling, with conviction, with passion. Screw what everyone else thinks. And when you're done, come back to me and give me advice on how you do it, because I need some help feeling things again.

Food, Music, and Compassion

2009-10-05T21:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know you've been waiting. I am here to inform you, it is here. The Food Blog has arrived! I bet you're pretty excited. This flips the page to a new chapter in my bloglife. I know most food blogs include pictures of food that people have cooked themselves, but I think that's overrated. It's all about food that other people make and you just happen to have a camera around so you take a picture of it. Holla! Although, one of the pictures in this post is something I made myself, can you guess which one it is? It's a toughie, mostly because of my culinary skillz that killz.

(click for bigger pix)

Which one did I make???

So yeah I was thinking about food. And about music. Something about those two things is so intriguing. I mean, God (yeah you knew it would turn into a thing about God) could have made us like plants, just sucking up rays from the sun for our energy. But nah, he made food. What a great idea. And then there's music. I wish I could learn theory. Why is there music? What the eff is music? Why do certain notes just sound right with other notes? Why is music mathematical? Why does it all make sense? Crazy stuff...

So I'm taking a class about human happiness (only at Berkeley!). It's pretty interesting. The professor makes the claim that compassion or love is something that humans have evolved to have; essentially, compassion is an adaptation that enables a given organism to have a better chance of surviving. I actually hate the idea... that one day a caveman said, "Well shizz, when I show compassion to my cavebrotha, I actually have a greater chance of helping my genes pass through the generations!" I like the idea of love as this abstract, nice idea. If compassion is what my professor says it is, does that make it any less significant? Any less beautiful? ehh I dunno.

Just makes me wonder though. If he can reduce something like compassion down to an evolutionary byproduct, what else is up in the air? Does my food just taste good because the homo sapien has developed an affinity for fats and salts because of its scarcity in the evolutionary environment? Is music just a mating call?? What is life??? Who am I????

Yeeeaaaahhh... well I dunno what this post is about. Definitely not an argument for or against evolution, so don't get all butthurt about that kinda stuff. Sometimes it's just interesting hearing things that challenge concepts that you have taken for granted for so long. And I think that's a good thing.

More to come, thanks for reading.

I fuckin love Jesus!

2009-09-05T16:19:00.000-07:00

So I used to cuss a lot. Like, a lot a lot. It was fun. I think it all started because I really loved to listen to Puff Daddy back in like 2nd grade, and so maybe his language and gangsta swagga stuck with me. I remember my friend got me the No Way Out cd on my 8th or 9th birthday and my mom made me return it because it had the parental advisory sticker on it. Laaaame.They don't make music like that anymore...
And then there were those days I would go to my best friend's house and that's when I would release a fury of swear words because his family was cool with it (they were white haha). And that kept going until like 5th grade when email started getting big and I would send my friends emails saturated in 4letter words. Twas a fun time indeed. Until I found out that their parents read their emails and then I got in trouble.
And then somewhere between then and college I decided that Jesus didn't like my swearing, as if to say, "Well dang Jesus, you left your glory in heaven, you lowered yourself to a man, you became a slave to people, you lived like a hobo, you died a humiliating death meant for criminals and I, nathan lee, SHALL REPAY YOU!!! ... by not swearing anymore!"

I think some Christians are convinced that a changed life consists of not swearing, not drinking, and not dressing all hoochie. And even for those people who look at that last statement and say, "Why, dear me, that is indubitably not I!" you may still pass judgment when you see Christians act in ways that don't match up to the church-made list of do's and don'ts. Christianity isn't about rules. Christianity can't be about rules. If it is, then I'm wasting my time. Following a list of rules doesn't seem like a cause worth giving your life to. Jesus told us to be free. I think I'm down with that. It's a much higher, better, but also a much more costly call.
What makes a believer holy? What should Christians be known for? They say it's love. The title of this post is "I fuckin love Jesus." Yes, I'll admit, it's a bit sensationalist. I apologize. Kinda. But the Fword is good at adding emphasis. In fact, I personally believe that it might be the best word in the English dictionary for this purpose. So then, shouldn't this represent what Christians are all about? Loving Jesus to the highest degree? You may disagree. Of course there's all this complication about causing people to stumble, giving Christians a bad rep, yes yes. But I think the soul of our purpose remains--we gotta love people. Love em the most we fucking can.

Jesus Camp

2009-08-11T22:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen the documentary Jesus Camp? Well you should. It's actually a great movie. The whole thing is free on Google video last time I checked. Got an hour to spare? Go watch it right now. Do it. I'm not even kidding. Go.

Wasn't that a great movie? Aren't you glad you took my advice and watched it right now? You're welcome. Well, if you were lamezors and didn't take my advice, Jesus Camp is pretty much a documentary about a Christian camp in North Dakota where kids speak in tongues and do all sorts of crazy christian stuff and the pastor preaches a lot of conservative political talk under the guise of christianity. Ehh, it would make more sense if you just watched it.

One of my favorite lines in the movie was when the pastor lady was talking about Harry Potter and then said something like this: "Warlocks are enemies of God! If Harry Potter was alive in the Old Testament he would have been put to death!!" haha. I put that clip up on my myspace once as a joke. I wonder if anyone thought I was serious...

Anyways, the reason I bring it up is because I just came back from Jesus camp! Well, my Jesus camp (we call it youthcamp) wasn't as intense as the one in the movie, but it's still an interesting experience. This was my first year as a counselor after four years as a camper. Basically what we do is spend a week away in a woodsy camp and do christian stuff. Sounds like fun huh? haha. We actually do a lot of hanging out and playing games too, to keep things interesting.

To be honest, the week was great. I loooove the people there and seeing the way God works is amazing. It was tough, however, having younger kids. I forgot what it was like to be in 7th or 8th grade... one of them said straight up, "I don't really care about learning about God, I just want to have fun" haha. And I guess that made me think about my role as their counselor. A bunch of them already know all the bible stories, they go to church, they know that God loves them and that he sent his son to die, blah blah blah. And I went with the goal of teaching them things that they may not have heard before... but somewhere towards the middle of the week I thought, "what's the best way I can love these kids?" and the answer came to me, "just have fun with them." so I did. And it was great.

I mean, it's not that I stopped trying to teach them stuff, I just changed my focus. Aaand yeah. I've thought about it before... this whole thing about kids going to church camps... get all on that spiritual high... is it good for them? I dunno. At some point they just start to worship an emotion or a praise band... they just think that being close with God means feeling happy. Church camp seems like the perfect way to compartmentalize a spiritual life and your "normal" everyday life, as if camp is the only place where we can feel close to God. I'm pretty sure it's not indoctrination, but it's getting there.

Yeah ok so that was my cynical rant for the day. But there is hope. God answers prayer. The one defining thing that I took away from youthcamp this year--we need to be real with one another. I am hard pressed to think of another time where I have seen people be so real, honest, uncensored, and raw in a christian community. I hope and pray that this is not a temporary thing; the church NEEDS this. I'm tired of christians; what the church needs is real people.

So those were some highlights of camp. Oh, and an incident with a massive amount of bees, but that shall be (or bee, ha ha ha) for another post. Well, the summer is coming to a close. I must say, I have learned a lot these past three months. First there was China, then daycamp, then youthcamp. I pretty much didn't accomplish any of what I had planned, but God doesn't seem to enjoy going with my plans. It was good though. I'm not quite looking forward to going back to Berkeley, but I know that I'll start to enjoy it again once I get back. This post was a little all over the place, but thank you for reading. The end.

The Unlikely Disciple

2009-07-12T18:41:00.001-07:00

Yup, it's that time again. Time for me to write a review/free promo for a book! This time, it's The Unlikely Disciple, by Kevin Roose. Now, this book doesn't quite fit the mold of other books I have famously reviewed--namely, The Irresistible Revolution and The Heavenly Man--but it will nonetheless go down on the imaginary list of "Nate's Favorite/Most Influential Books" aka his facebook profile.
The reason it doesn't fit the mold is because, well, this book is not a Christian book. Yes, I first found it in the Christian section at Borders, and yes, it is almost entirely about Christian culture. But Roose himself is not Christian and, unlike most of the books I read nowadays, this book doesn't suggest that I live a certain way, it doesn't make any attempt to teach me about God, and its author has yet to graduate from college. In spite of--and maybe because of--these reasons, The Unlikely Disciple is one of the most interesting and well-written books I've come across in my short literary lifespan. I highly recommend it to Christians and not-so-Christians alike.
First, a brief synopsis: So Roose is a college sophomore at Brown University, a very liberal Ivy League school that I imagine to be kinda like Berkeley. He decides to spend a semester "abroad" at Liberty University, the evangelical Christian center of America, founded by Rev. Jerry Falwell, pretty much the pioneer of right-wing, ultra-conservative Christianity. Roose is not religious, he parties every weekend, and he's pretty liberal--you know, the life of a normal guy. So you can imagine the kinds of things he encounters at Liberty--antigay attitudes, Christian culture, crazy rules (no cussing, no dancing, no r-rated movies), creationism classes, bible classes, and the list goes on.
And besides the fact that the book is really really well-written and funny, Roose's reflections on Christian culture provokes a lot of thought, at least for me. Though often critical of right-wing ideology, Roose is rarely judgmental. He speaks fondly of prayer, of worship services, of the (sometimes misdirected) compassion of his friends. He ends up loving the people around him and appreciating a lot about faith.
I think it was good for me to read this book at this point in whatever spiritual journey I'm on. I think I've become so critical of religion and Christian culture that I'm beginning to lose sight of what faith is all about. I've grown to used to "fighting the system" that I may have thrown a few punches at the faith behind the system as well. And as much as I agree with Roose on his level-headed thoughts in regards to evangelical sentiment on homosexuality, abortion, and conversion (among other things), I cannot help but envy and admire the way he describes their commitment to prayer, to bible reading, and to other spiritual disciplines... things that I've quickly overlooked as I've convinced myself that the best way to understanding Jesus is via intellectualism. I sometimes worry that I've become arrogant in the way I see religion, that I'm too good, too strong of a person to be swayed by demands of a pastor or a church. There's a part of me that believes a bit of distance from religious institution is healthy. There's another part that wishes I could just go with the flow without questioning, that I could enjoy all the church activities like a blind sheep--it would certainly be much easier. It's a thin line between healthy criticism and paralyzing cynicism and I feel like I'm on a tightrope, but I still hope that I never just "settle" into the patterns of religion or church. I don't wanna be written off as a newly independent Berkeley student who, inevitably, would come back after his sophomore year and question things. I always want to question things. Not for the sake of questioning, and not even because part of me enjoys being a self-proclaimed black sheep, but because a little distance is healthy, and I hope I always stay true to my own convictions even if my church disagrees...
Wow, did that get into a rant or what? Sorry. I think it's because I recently had another talk with my pastor about some of my thoughts about our church. And then today she gave a sermon about being judgmental... I will admit, it was a good sermon--probably the first sermon I've been completely attentive to in awhile--but I know it was a response to the talk we had earlier in the week. Of course, she was quick to say, "It wasn't all about you!" to me as we passed by after service, but I just keep getting this idea that she thinks I'm just in a phase and that my opinions will pass away and that I'll eventually become a normal, passive Chinese churchgoer. God forbid.
Anyways, to wrap up this book review that has somehow turned into a valleygirl rant--The Unlikely Disciple=great book. If you're a Christian, it'll make you think about the things you do, the ideas you believe in, and the way you are perceived by people outside the bubble. Basically, what Roose does is bring the two worlds together. The biggest reason for intolerance and prejudice is a simple lack of exposure between two parties. This book bridges (or at least lessens the distance between) two very different worlds and it definitely makes you think. And it's funny. Get it. Or ask me to borrow it.
So until next book, take care <3

China

2009-06-27T16:25:00.000-07:00

China in pictures (and some words):
Our airplane. Reminded me of a Chinese delivery truck...

Bad omen. First thing they did when we landed in Beijing, scan us for fever with this gun thing they point at your forehead. Ten minutes later, this dude shows up, escorts some guy off the plane. Reminded me of Monsters Inc when that monster got the sock stuck to his back... And apologies for my noob status at manual focus.

This is my ngay gung, Uncle Steve to make things easier. He's my grandpa's brother. He's really cool. He's always trying to convince me to become a doctor, lawyer, or businessman, reminding me that psychologists and social workers don't make any money. I keep telling him that I don't wanna do much school, that I wanna help people, and that I don't really care about being rich. He just says, "If you get rich, then you can help a lot of people! That's what Bill Gates does!" But that's just how he is, he exudes this entrepreneural mentality (which is partly why he became successful in America). A big reason my dad wanted to go to China again was because last time we went (when I was 11), we were with my grandpa, who isn't a real talkative guy. Uncle Steve, on the other hand, is filled with stories and jokes, which he always follows with an unnecessarily high pitched, almost childlike laugh.

All three of these pictures are from hotels we stayed in. Bougie much? Since Uncle Steve has money, we always stayed at these 5-star hotels. Pretty nice, but I couldn't help feeling a strong undercurrent of irony as we constantly encountered poor people in the streets.

The restaurants in Beijing were terrible. Straight up tourist treatment. What kind of self-respecting Chinese restaurant serves french fries?? Insulting.

We visited four main places: Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Toisan. Our time in the first three cities were completely taken up by sightseeing. It was exhausting, just one place after another. This is a picture from a temple in Shanghai. For some reason, I just really like it. The way the monk guy is walking just makes me happy.

Another shot from some temple. Thizzin Buddha. One of my faves.

This is a picture from a famous temple in Guangzhou. A lot of people were there offering up prayers and incense. I kinda feel bad for taking a lot of pictures of them bowing and stuff, but not really. There's something beautiful about people worshipping, even if it's something you don't personally believe in.

That's my mom. We're on a boat on some river in Guangzhou. This was her first time to these parts of China. You can tell her Cantonese is getting rusty.

McDonald's in Shanghai. They have delivery! That is one cool backpack.

Antannas on an apartment building. Poor people gotta get their cable.

Real people doin real things, just trying to make ends meet. To me, this was more interesting than the sightseeing.

Toisan
Toisan was different. This is where my grandparents and older grew up. Uncle Steve and my grandpa donate a lot of money to this city. Primarily, they've given funds to build a community center and a school. As a result, we get treated like celebrities. Not even exaggerating. We also got a chance to see the old house where they grew up. Again, the irony... it's kinda like when rappers get rich and then visit the hood again. Ok well I'll just show the pictures.

Finally, some real food! Toisan had the best food. Don't drink the water though.

Fikes (fake Nikes) anyone?

These are REAL Chinamen from the village. Long nails, rotting teeth, no manners--that's how we do in Toisan. This is at the community center that some of my family paid for.

This is the old house where my grandparents grew up. It's freakin small. This is the biggest of three rooms. Two families live here. There's one faucet, one lightbulb, and I didn't see any toilets. There's been a lot of development in Toisan, but this house is pretty much exactly the same as I remember it eight years ago.

This is at the elementary school Uncle Steve donated to help build. These kids went crazy when they saw our cameras. Or maybe just the boys did.

In Toisan, money talks. We had people from the school always with us, willing to do anything for us, giving us special treatment only because Uncle Steve was a big donor. I believe he wrote two checks for them on this trip--one for $20,000 and another for $50,000. Ballin.

And what happens when you give hecka money to a school? They build a statue of you. Crazy huh?

And this last picture kinda just sums up the irony of the trip. At the end of our stay in Toisan, Uncle Steve held a banquet for a bunch of people from the village. This old lady sat at our table and took all the leftovers back in plastic bags (they don't have boxes in Toisan haha). She was thrilled when she found out she could take home the scraps, but I wasn't sure whether it was a happy sight or a kinda sad and pathetic one. But I couldn't get over the idea that in this big banquet there were a lot of poor people who probably didn't get meals like this, well, ever. And when we left the restaurant, it began to rain really hard. We headed to our air-conditioned van to go back to our bougie hotel while all the people from the village walked back to their houses in the rain.
On another note, my aunt, uncle, and two cousins got swine flu, which kinda put a damper on the trip. So they've been stuck in Beijing for the past two weeks. Two of them got released yesterday I heard, but two of them are still quarantined, so please pray for them. Scary stuff.
In the end, I guess it was a pretty good trip. I was trying to imagine what it would have been like growing up there, but it's too different. Less opportunity, less money, less comfort... I think we're all spoiled here in America. Maybe one day I'll go back, maybe I'll give some money so I can get a statue of myself too. Either way, I'm pretty sure my kids aren't gonna see much of this culture as they grow up. So sad. Maybe I'll take that Cantonese class...

How much of your culture do you still hold on to?

Questions and Answers

2009-06-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

There comes a point in faith where you begin to question, criticize, and rethink the things you have taken for granted for so long. To summarize a year of craziness, fun, learning, doubt, and struggle, this is what it has boiled down to: The Jesus that I have known for the past 5 years will not suffice.

At our church daycamp, we sing a song creatively named "The Box Song." I really used to like this song. It goes something like: "If I had a little white box to put my Jesus in, I'd take him out and *kisskisskiss* and share him with a friend" And then there was a very violent second verse that went "But if I had a little black box to put the Devil in, I'd take him out and SMASH HIS HEAD and put him back again" of course, including smashing hand motions (which was my favorite part). But when I look at that song now, I see more and more how Jesus has broken out of that box that I've put him in, how my understanding of God has expanded to such an extent that he no longer fits within church walls, emotional retreats, or even myself.

Which leads me to revisit an old topic. I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and we got to the topic of church. He's a pastor's kid who currently isn't sure if he believes in God. He doesn't go to church anymore and he does stuff that good Christian kids aren't supposed to do. Which led me to a question I've been asking for a long time now, What's wrong with church? Or more specifically, What's wrong with San Francisco Asian American churches? Or even more specifically, What's wrong with my church?

This past Christmas break, I made it a goal to come home for church more. Not because I grow more there, not because I like going home, not because I can pick up a green onion bun at the store down the street, but more as a symbolic statement that yes, I, Nathan Lee, still want to be a part of this community in spite of the problems that I see in it and that I am not leaving this church behind even though I disagree with some of the things they do. And I'm glad I made that commitment. However, a symbolic step will not produce change. What, then, is the next step?

Well, the first step I think is to become a church member. I was getting pissy about this earlier on in the year because I was like, "Oh why do I have to become a member since I've been going to this church for like 5 years, blah blah" and yes, I still feel this way. But if it is the first tangible step to getting into the meetings and actually being heard, then I will sit through the classes and jump through the hoops to get there. Ugh.

But how do you change minds? What is my goal? I know something is wrong, but do I know what the solution is? ... I think it would be naive to think I can change a church. I think it would arrogant to say I want a church to see things the way I see them.

What I believe to be the biggest problem at FCBC and other SF AznAmerican churches is the lack of questioning, the lack of independent thinking, the lack of criticizing. Jesus never called us to blindly accept things, he never told us to remain silent, he never told us to be complacent. The problem with church is that it tries to provide answers to everything, but Christianity was never about answers. Jesus' answers were always questions because questions bring freedom and point to God, as in, we don't have to know everything. Not as a cop-out, but as in, this Christianity thing is a process, and we gotta learn and make mistakes and grow together. Church makes the solution to be "read your bible more" or "come to church more," which are not bad things, but which are wrong. We shouldn't read our bibles more, we should practice our bibles more. We know what's in there, we've been learning it since we were doing fractions and trading Pokemon cards. But the bible means nothing to us until we see it in action and see promises being fulfilled. And we shouldn't come to church more, we should be the church more. We shouldn't talk about how we come, but how we go. The church gotta be on the move, or else it's just useless.

When we begin to learn how to question, we will grow. We gotta find our voice! This is how I hope change will happen. Ok this post was too long. Sincerest apologies. Happy summer!

Phases

2009-05-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

Remember Pogs?? I know you do. Pogs were all the rage back in 1st grade. That kinda rhymes. But it doesn't. If you don't remember Pogs, you probably weren't popular. Pogs were these circle shaped pieces of cardboard with cool pictures on them, sometimes x-men, sometimes power rangers, sometimes even street sharks. And then there were these metal Pogs called Slammers, which you would use to slam the cardboard Pogs, hence the name Slammers. Sometimes, if you were lucky, bubble gum would come with your Pogs. Legit.

Remember when yo-yo's were in? It was like in... 4th grade or something. I remember the exact yo-yo I had--a Yomega Fireball. That thing was tight. I could rock the cradle, walk the dog, bring it around the world. Dang, I was a G. I remember calling up all the toystores in the yellowpages to see if they had a Yomega Fireball. That thing cost me $20. Not legit.

And I KNOW you remember these. The lightup shoes were freakin fresh back in 2nd grade. Man, lightups + velcro = big pimpin. That's the truth. I remember one time we were on vacation and I saw this old guy wearing lightups and I was like "No way!! When I'm a grownup I'm gonna wear lightup shoes." No lie, that's what I thought. They were just THAT cool. Until the lights ran out of batteries. Then the shoes were just stupid. LA Lights R.I.P.

Remember stuffing your shoes? I still don't understand why people did that. If you never stuffed your shoes before, basically what you would do is get a long sock (or two socks) and pull it down so there's a lot of excess slack at the toes. Then you would take that excess and fold it over on top of the foot. Then you simply insert into shoe and viola! you got yourself a fatty shoe. That's what the gangstas did. Oh, and rubber band the bottoms of the pant legs too. Legit.

There were a lot of random fads and phases that I went through--action figures, cargo pants, Razr scooters, neopets, Ecko, izone poloroid cameras, eating hot cheetos with creme cheese... yknow, the normal stuff. Thinking back on that stuff now, a lot of it seems really stupid. Like Pokemon cards... man I swear I spent so much money on that crap. Other fads made sense, like when I had my hair parted down the middle in a perfectly straight line. Sexy.Sometimes I wonder, is faith just a phase? One day will I come to my senses and just say, "Christianity was just this thing I dealt with in high school and college..."? I think about the things I'm involved in now, the people I hang out with, and what I think about the world... what if it all just kinda passes away someday? Will I keep this up for the rest of my life? ... I think about how my parents left the church. It could happen to anyone right?

Ok, so I think it's naive to say that faith is a "fad," but it bears some thought--what do you do when Christianity becomes uncool? What happens when you're the only one with baggy jeans when everyone's crossed over to skinny? What happens when you're rockin the Old Navy $12.99 zip up hoodie when everyone else has the American Apparel with the cool white zipper? Do you leave your faith when people are gonna hate on you and persecute you? And I mean LEGIT persecution (not the "Christianity is gay" stuff I heard in high school). I'm just saying, faith is easy now--I got hecka Christian friends, a nice little church, no one hates on my beliefs. But it's not always gonna be like that. America is a tolerant nation, but that could be a disadvantage. Real faith comes when everyone else turns on it except you. Pogs 4 lyfe. I'm gonna bring em back.

I am God.

2009-04-26T12:02:00.000-07:00

I like poetry. I am talented at poetry.

Is it cocky for me to say that? Maybe. I don't think humility means denying your own gifts and abilities though. I am made in the image of the Almighty; he's given me these particular gifts, as he has with everyone. To say that I am not talented insults the one who made me.

Nevertheless, being truthful about your gifts and talents is walking a fine line. When you know you're good at something, you begin to act like you deserve praise. That, my friends, is dangerous. I have definitely fallen into this trap, but I am making efforts to correct it.

A couple weeks ago, IV had an event called Exposed. I shared two poems. Yesterday, church had an event called Live in Harmony. I shared one poem. Exposed was ok (relatively) because one of the poems I shared dealt directly with this idea of pride and arrogance. At LIH, however, I was only able to share one poem, and this one did not address my cockiness.

Needless to say, after Live in Harmony, I was struck at how difficult it was not to become big-headed. If a gift God has given me results in praise for myself, should I use this gift at all? Am I just performing so that people will give me praise? Because if that's the case, why would I ever worship God if I am worthy of worship myself?

Jesus' parables say that our talents are not to be hidden. Agh... It's a tough balance. If I ever get cocky about stuff, please kick me in the nuts. Thanks.

Day 34. Reflections on a Failed Lent.

2009-04-06T17:31:00.000-07:00

Feareth not! I have returned. The number you see up there is correct. I have missed 17 days of doing this whole blog in the mornings business. I apologize. I know you were intensely concerned for my well-being.

Well, now for an unnecessarily deep and profound spiritual reflection on Lent...
Not really.

In all seriousness though, I think I became wary of the fact that I was doing a devotion and then blogging about it... something didn't quite seem right. I think I rationalized it down to: well, Lent is definitely not about showing people your fast, so I shouldn't blog about my devos anymore. Yes, the blogging was a way for people to keep me accountable, but I guess it all kinda just fell to the wayside after I finished Psalm 86. Yes.

A lesser known part of my Lenten activity was my fast from NBA 2K9...
Yes, that has been quite the challenge. I decided to add 2k9 to my Lent list mostly because I was getting hecka pissed off every time I would lose to Sammy and his stupid abuse of Rashard Lewis' unrealistic 3-pt skillz. Ugh. Freakin gets me mad just thinking about it. Sammy, if you're reading this, let it be known to this blog-reading community of 3 people that you don't win because of superior skill. Only because you jack up hecka shots with Rashard until he gets on fire and sadl;kfj;asi. Dang... Well, as you can see, my 2k9 frustrations have led to the inadvertant expulsion of some unfortunate 4-letter words, which is why I felt compelled to fast. The end.

There are 6 days left of Lent. Here is the gameplan (if God's cool with it):

Wake up before class, read the Book, pray. No blogging.
Continue 2k9 fast. Own Sammy after Easter. No getting all pouty after a loss (which won't happen anyway)

That is all. I hope that your Lents have been more fruitful than mine. I have no continuing plan for blogging during the rest of Lent, though I'd like to be able to get to day 40 without anymore gaps, but whatevs if I don't. For those still toughin it out with fasts, keep it up. But don't make it a show. Holla!

Oh yee and shoutout to my boys at LT&C doin big thaangs. Hit em up for a chance to win.

The Story of Stuff

2009-03-18T14:40:00.000-07:00

The Story of Stuff -- WATCH IT. RIGHT NOW. ALL OF IT.

So I was thinking about getting a watch. A nice watch. Like this one:Hollatchaboy!
But then... good ol Sarah Lee had to put that link up on her fb status and just make me feel guilty about my materialistic ways. So I guess I won't be buying the watch as a self-congratulations for finishing midterms :(

But now that I think of it, it's been a weird transformation this semester, starting to care about these weird hippie social issues like sweatshops, the environment, and saving money. Freakin' Berkeley man... Oh and that guy Shane Claiborne...

Yes. My greatest fears are being confirmed. The high hopes I had for this semester in regards to serving the homeless and caring about money are beginning to fade away. I've done a good job not buying clothes, but when I really think about it, that's not really the problem. I don't have a clue on how to love the poor.

Dang... I think the more I learn about Jesus, the more I learn that I have more to learn. Not necessarily bad a thing, but difficult when you're looking for answers. But then again, why would I ever want a God that I can fully understand? ...

Well, good bye, sexy Nixon watch! We could have had something special, but you are merely a worldly item that moths and rust will destroy!!!!!!

Love, Nate

Day 17. Signs.

2009-03-13T16:47:00.000-07:00

Psalm 86:17
Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

I have friends that have been going to church their whole lives who are beginning to give up on their faith. And so many times I've prayed that God would just give them a sign of his goodness. I mean, I have a lot of everyday things I consider signs of God's goodness. Things like sleep, good food, laughing, people, sunset. And then there are those not-so-everyday things that happen and you know it's from God.

There's this one guy that hangs out by Fisherman's Wharf in SF named the Bushman. Basically, the dude hides behind a couple bushes and scares people for money. Sometimes I wish God was more like the Bushman and he would just pop out and yell "Surprise!" and we'd all just say, "Oh God, you're so silly!"

Sometimes I wish faith wasn't so hard, but I guess that's a stupid thing to think. Sometimes I get mad when I read the Bible because of the Disciples' lack of faith. I mean, surressly now... Jesus was right in freakin front of them, how could they ever doubt? Imagine how easy evangelism would be with Jesus right next to you... "Hi, meet my friend Jesus, he can give you eternal life." Soooo easy. It would be so useful to have Jesus there. Like, if you're struggling with sin, just call Jesus in, "Hey Jesus, could you purify my thoughts right now? Thanks man, I appreciate it."

But no, faith glorifies God. Faith is uncomfortable. Faith determines commitment. For me to ask God for a sign is not a bad thing, but for me to live without doubting is better.

And I think this is a fitting way to end Psalm 86, especially since it's Lent right now. Lent is about trust and faith and knowing that God will provide, even if I wake up an hour earlier every weekday. Faith is not about me, so I hope that the last 23 days of Lent for both you and me are glorifying to God. Thanks for joining me in this, even if my thoughts are not coherent in the mornings. Happy Lent!

Day 16. Parent.

2009-03-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

Psalm 86:16
Turn to me and have mercy on me;
show your strength in behalf of your servant
and save the son of a woman
who served you before me.

That last part is weird. And I wonder if it really makes a difference... if my mom was a good person, does that mean God will treat me better?

Reminds me of when my pastor was telling me that one of the blessings/curses of our church was that it was generational; that is, we have kids and their mamas and their mama's mamas at our church. And she basically said that if you look at the kids who are really lukewarm about God and then look at their parents, you can see why.

This verse also makes me think about my own parents. Mom and pops became disillusioned with the church to the point that they gave up on it altogether a little before I was born. Part of me is happy that I wasn't raised in a church and that I found God on my own, but part of me is sad that my parents left Christianity in the dust. They have no problem with my faith, but is tolerance my only aim? How do I convince them that the church can actually live up to what it's supposed to be? ... only time will tell.

How about you? What are your parents like?

Day 15. Two for one.

2009-03-11T23:22:00.000-07:00

Psalm 86:14-15
14Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless people seeks my life--
they have no regard for you.
15But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

So today's a double double since I didn't make time to Lent yesterday. My bads. I think today's a good day to double your pleasure though.
These two verses make a lot of sense to me in light of the La Burrita and Bart situation that happened a couple weeks ago (that you can also read about!). I guess I was just thinking, these guys don't give a crap about me, what difference would it make if I tried to love them? They were just a bunch of jerks trying to take my money--they don't care about my feelings and I wouldn't know how to show love to them even if I tried.

But then verse 15 says that those "arrogant foes" are shown compassion and grace. Wtf, God? Seriously? Ok, let's get things straight. I'm the Christian here--these jabronis trying to take my money obviously don't love God and they're just a-holes, so why do THEY get compassion and grace?

And then I realize that I'm exactly like those fools who tried to take my money. I keep taking and hoarding stuff without any regard for the One who gives it to me... I am an arrogant foe of God, but somehow there's still compassion and grace. Wtheck is that...?

A wise rock band once said, "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair." Holla.

Day 14. Oops.

2009-03-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

Ok. I overslept yesterday.

Day 13. Love.

2009-03-09T07:34:00.000-07:00

Psalm 86:13
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead.

I think sometimes we forget what it means to be loved by God. Just stop and think for a sec:

We're sitting in our rooms right now in front of our computers
The earth we stand on is 25,000 miles in circumference
We're traveling at 65,000 mph around a sun 1 million times the earth's size
The galaxy we live in is 100,000 light years across. That means it would take us 100,000 years to get from one side to the other if we were traveling at 186,000 miles per second. (which means, if you've taken 3min to read this, you would have been able to travel around the earth well over 1300 times at the speed of light.)There are over 125 billion galaxies in our universe... ridiculous.Our universe is 14 billion light years across. Our minds are not programmed to understand numbers this big...

And there's a God up there who made all of it, and he's crazy about us... what else matters?

Day 12. Forever.

2009-03-08T16:47:00.000-07:00

Psalm 86:12
I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

Ok, I'm not gonna lie on this one. This verse is kinda cliche. I'm sure it wasn't cliche back then. Or maybe it was. Probably not AS cliche because there was no mass culture or anything. But especially today, this verse is kinda cliche.

But in all seriousness, forever is a long time. Like, forever. Kinda like verse 2, which talked about doing stuff all day long, forever is a hecka freakin long time. Honestly, like honestly now, I don't even know if I could praise God forever without getting bored or distracted. Maybe that's because my idea of what praising God means is wrong. But dang, forever.

It's like getting married. I'm excited to get married. Not that I know who it's gonna be with or what it's gonna be like, but I imagine marriage is pretty tight.(What kind of political commentary am I making with this picture???)
Anyways, yeah... marriage is one of those things that's "forever" (atleast on this earth). People always talk about the fire fading or falling out of love or whatever, but I'm convinved that married life is gonna be the shizz.

Maybe I've become numb to the thought of eternal life from hearing about it so much. I bet it's like marriage, except a billion times more cool and exciting. I dunno... But I know the people that make the biggest difference in this world are those who are more consumed with the next.

Day 11. Counter intuition.

2009-03-07T12:31:00.001-08:00

Psalm 86:11
Teach me your way, Lord
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

Sometimes Biblical poetry is very clear in its parallelisms. For example, you may get a verse like, "The righteous man rises above troubles; the unrighteous man falls into a very deep, inescapable pit." ...ok maybe not exactly like that, but you get the point. And then there are verses like this one where the connection isn't as intuitive.

Being taught God's way = I rely on his faithfulness. This is especially encouraging for me right now, because I feel like I've gone so far away from what faith really is. I really wanna relearn everything. I wanna be retaught, and I'm hoping that can bring me back to relying on God.

I feel like the church has given me so many mixed messages and I just wanna get back into the Word for myself and rediscover what Christianity is all about at its core, away from all the structure, all the ministry, all the music, all the other junk that comes along with organized religion.

The second part of the verse is just as crazy... undivided heart = fear. To me, this means that when we focus on God with everything we have and when he's the center of our lives, we see him as he really is, in all his holiness. I imagine a scene like Isaiah 6. I think if we truly understood how holy and how BIG God really is, we would have so much more respect for him...

This verse is crazy. I think we all need a little bit of this...

Day 10. Miracle.

2009-03-06T11:55:00.000-08:00

Psalm 86:10
For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

When's the last time you saw God do a marvelous deed?

I think it depends on your perspective... Some would say that it's a marvelous deed that we woke up this morning. Others would say that it's pretty marvelous that we have food to eat and a roof over our heads. Still others would say that they've never seen God work any kind of marvelous deed.

From previous posts, you may already know of my fascination with "marvelous deeds" or miracles. And I think this verse fits in the with the rest of the passage so far... that understanding God as "great" and as able to do marvelous deeds is contingent upon our being poor and needy (v1), trusting (v2,4), able to cry mercy (v6), and willingness to sacrifice (v9). If we feel like we have no need to have these things, then God has no need to work any miracles.

And I think the last part of the verse just kinda sums it all up. God is the only one who's God, regardless of whether I'm poor and needy or filled with joy. And the God that I curse and question in my spiritual lows is the same God that I thank and worship in my spiritual highs...

...Ok this post just kinda rambled on, but the question I have is
What kind of marvelous deeds has God done for you? What kind of marvelous deeds do you want to see God do?

Day 9. Worship.

2009-03-05T08:54:00.000-08:00

Psalm 86:9
All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.

I like the word "bring." I just imagine some dude carrying the word "glory" up to God's throne. In my head, the word weighs about 50lbs. When I think about it that way, the task seems tiring and burdensome. But I guess the point is that worship can sometimes be difficult. Worship is not for ME.

Sometimes I worry that "worship" has become this nebulous term referring to electric guitars and powerpoint slides, when really it's about bringing something heavy to the throne. Worship was never about feeling great. God is not glorified when we say, "Worship was really good this past Sunday" when we're talking about the music. Those who are being persecuted for their faith, who are probably filled with more joy than we'll ever have, probably don't say "this act of worship is really good" everytime they get beaten for their beliefs.

Dang I sound so cynical. I guess I just feel like I don't know what real worship is because the American church has distorted it into a fun and entertaining time, when I don't think that's what it was intended to be. I believe that worship is sacrifice (rom. 12:1), and sacrifice is often painful. While I know that joy is a byproduct of this worship and sacrifice, that joy comes from giving, not receiving. We've subtituted sacrifice with guitar riffs and peaceful piano intros, and I think as a result, we receive a shadow of what real joy is. Worship is not for me...

This verse says that one day we'll all know what worship is, and we'll all do it. That's gonna be crazy.

What burdens are you carrying to the throne?

Day 8. Gods.

2009-03-04T14:37:00.000-08:00

Psalm 86:8
Among the gods there is none like you, Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.

The word "gods" confused me at first, but I guess there are a lot of gods these days too--Buddha, Allah, Krishna, Kobe Bryant. If you call yourself a Christian, none of the aforementioned are the God, and one of them is actually a criminal.But I won't say which one. But I think on a more personal level, we have our own gods. Things that we cling onto so tightly, things that we love more than the God we profess to worship, things like comfort, money, relationships, reputation, security, safety, and ourselves.

David says there is no god like THE God; they can't do what he can do. I don't think I ever give God the chance to show me how satisfying he can be. I wanna see him take care of me, but I'd much rather go to the doctor. I wanna see him provide for me, but I like having a chunk of cash in my wallet and a bank account with some backup money. I wanna see God make me happy, but I look to friends, videogames, the Warriors, and shopping for that (Ok, the Warriors don't make me happy very often anymore). But honestly, when does God ever get to do anything for me?

Nothing can take the place of God, but everything in my life has become a substitute for him. No wonder I don't understand true joy. No wonder I'm not always content with my relationship with God. I barely know him. I just know the things that have taken his place.

What gods do you worship?

Day 7. Emergency.

2009-03-03T08:48:00.000-08:00

Psalm 86:7
When I am in distress I call to you,
because you answer me.

I think this verse is pretty simple. I kinda wish the first word was "if" and not "when." But I think if that were the case, God would be like a fire extinguisher. He would sit there, maybe on the wall, maybe in our trunk, and he would go totally unnoticed until there was an emergency, and only then would we look for him. I'll be damned if God lives in a box that says, "Pray in case of emergency."

The verse says that God answers when we're going through crap. Agree? Disagree? I don't know if I can testify to the truth of this verse... I know people who have been asking God for help for a while now, and they're still struggling. There is no timeframe given with this verse. It doesn't say, "because you answer me in 5 minutes" or "within the month" or even "before your 80th birthday."
That scares me. It's so cliche to say that God works on his own time, but dangit, it's true. It's another one of those beautiful letdowns that God decided to make. A letdown because we have to go through so much crap, beautiful because God will soon flush it down.

Day 6. Mercy.

2009-03-02T08:17:00.000-08:00

Psalm 86:6
Hear my prayer, Lord;
listen to my cry for mercy.

Do you remember the game Mercy? We used to play it in elementary school. Basically, you and one other person face each other, hold both of each other's hands, intertwine fingers, and basically try to cripple the other person before they cripple you. I swear some messed up kids with anger problems created this game, but it was fun.

So the goal of that game was to get your opponent to say, "Mercy!" which would signal your victory. Kids had a variety of techniques; some included:
a) The nails-in-back of knuckles (NBK) - girls would often use this method, and it was generally effective. But if you're going up against someone with a higher pain tolerance, this technique probably wouldn't get the job done.b) The Pressure Point Pursuit (PPP) - sometimes kids would go for that pressure point kinda between your thumb and index. Apparently, according to this picture, that pressure point also induces headaches... I never knew... but now it makes so much sense.c) Brute Strength Approach (BSA) - these guys (and sometimes girls) would just beat you by being hecka strong and bending your arms and hands every which way. It wasn't pretty. (Not that I ever lost this way)
(that's what brute strength looked like in first grade)

d) The Joint Lock - Probably my weapon of choice, this technique required patience and involved aligning the arm and wrist of the other person just right until BAM you get em in the joint lock. Never fails.

Anyways, when I read this verse, I think of that game. Crying mercy means we give up. We can't take the pain anymore. We acknowledge our weakness and we give up whatever feigned pride and dignity we had at first. Crying mercy means we are overpowered and outdone, first by a ruthless world and second by a relentless God. When we cry for mercy, we surrender everything.

What are you crying out for?

Day 5. Grace.

2009-03-01T11:40:00.000-08:00

Psalm 86:5
You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love for all who call to you.

Let's just say it. David was an effed up guy. I wikipedia-ed him the other day and that crap just kinda bothered me. The guy had hecka wives, his kids were idiots and pervs (I'm not judgmental), and of course, he was an adulterous murderer. Maybe I'm not seeing things right, but it kinda bothers me that this is a guy, chosen by God, who supposedly has a very tight relationship with God, and he does all this stupid stuff... I thought once you had the relationship with God, it got easier not to sin.

With David, we see the grace of God at its finest. It annoys me almost, that someone like David could know God so deeply, because his actions obviously didn't deserve it.

I have yet to understand that kind of intimacy, but I definitley understand the guilt and shame that comes with falling short of the Christian standard.

We are all effed up people with effed up tendencies and we are desperately in need of God's grace.

Sometimes I don't believe in it. Sometimes I forget that ALL of God's wrath and anger and disappointment was put onto his son. Sometimes I feel like I'm too unclean to even pray or talk to God, but this verse tells me that there is no condemnation. God is abounding in love for all--the sinners, the hypocrites, the liars, the pot-smokers, the shop-lifters, the porn-lovers, the greedy, the selfish, the pervs... even a guy like Nate Lee.

Check out this amazing site I found
http://iamsecond.com/
my favorites are Brian Welch and Nate Larkin

Day 4. Joy.

2009-02-28T13:05:00.000-08:00

Psalm 86:4
Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord,
I lift up my soul.

That first part is weird. "Bring joy to your servant." I usually don't think servants are joyful. Oh unless they're in movies and they're big black ladies, you know what I'm talking about? They always say stuff like, "Bless yo heart child" or something like that.Ok I hope no one got offended from that first part. But in all seriousness, sometimes I look at the Bible at guys like Paul or the apostles or even Jesus and wonder, were these guys even happy? I mean, these are the ultimate servants right?

I know joy isn't necessarily happiness, but sometimes I look at all the crap they went through and the Bible never mentions them laughing or anything. These guys have nothing; they're homeless, they go from house to house, they get thrown in jail, and ultimately, they die horrible deaths for their faith. Is there joy in that lifestyle?

This may be bad news to you, but I believe that we're called to a similar way of life. For some odd reason, I don't think Jesus was lying when he said "it is hard for the rich to get into heaven." (Mat. 19:23) And for some reason, I think he meant it when he told his followers to leave their families (Mat. 10:37), their lives (Lk. 9:23), and their money (Lk.12:33) to follow him. I admit that so much of my joy and happiness comes from money, clothes, TV, people, etc. We get glimpses of real joy when we worship, but that true, everlasting, unwavering joy seems to evade us. If Jesus is in charge, then we servants might find that true joy if we listen and act.

I'm afraid that my dreams of a nice house in the suburbs, a good-looking family, a nice wardrobe, and a good-paying job are in jeopardy if I choose to take the Gospel seriously. It essentially comes down to, do I trust God enough to give me that joy if I truly obey as his servant...

Do you trust God enough to truly follow him?

Day 3. 24/7.

2009-02-27T13:07:00.000-08:00

Psalm 86:3
You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord,
for I call to you all day long.

Foreals David? Really now? All day long? Don't you have better stuff to do? Like, I dunno, rule your kingdom? You can't be calling out to God 24/7. That's just ridiculous. David, you fool.

So like, I've never really been good at praying. It's always been a struggle for me to just sit still and pray. Sometimes I hear about people praying for hours and hours and I just think, Shizz dude, it's challenging enough for me to pray for a good ten minutes without being distracted or having my thoughts wander...

check out this KyOoT picture

Now that I think of it, I don't know if I could do anything all day long. I remember playing Madden for maybe like up to eight hours per day back in high school, so that's close. Last year, I had so much reading for Ethnic Studies10a that I seriously read for a week straight. That freakin sucked. I really don't think there are many things out there that I can do all day long. Hmm... lemme think for sec... No. Nothing. Nothing that can be done all day long.

I think how we spend our time is a reflection of our priorities. I like how David probably has all these kingly duties to take care of (polishing his crown, dry cleaning his robes), but decides to spend his time calling out to God.

I admit, speaking to an unseen God is not an easy thing to do. Maybe that's just a reflection of a weak faith, but I definitely don't have it all figured out. I think when the verse says that David called out to God all day long, I don't think he was just on his knees all day. It definitely could be the case, but maybe he was talking to God while he was going about his day. Maybe his actions were a cry out to God. Maybe God was on his mind all day long while he was doing whatever kings do. I dunno.

Now that I think of it, if I really like a girl, I could possibly spend all day chillin with her (lame, I know). I think my ability to spend time with God is contingent on my love relationship with him. The unfortunate thing about that is that we cannot will ourselves to love God more... it takes time and understanding and it can't be quantified easily like the amount of time you spend praying.

So I guess my question is, how in love with God are you?
And just for fun, are there any things that you would do for 24hours straight?

Day 2. Rescue.

2009-02-26T08:34:00.000-08:00

Psalm 86:2
Guard my life, for I am faithful to you;
save your servant who trusts in you.

The interesting thing in this verse is that David knows that he's been faithful and he knows that he trusts in God. I think if I heard someone say this prayer out loud, I'd definitely think they were being a cocky Christian (CC) and I would therefore judge them haha. But David knows that he's been faithful...

Sometimes I feel like the non-spiritual events in my life dictate my relationship with God. For example, bad grades=depression=crappy relationship with God. And, by the transitive property, bad grades=crappy relationship with God. Or maybe something like school=studying=tiredness=no time for God=crappy relationship with God. And by the substitution property, we can replace those things with other crappy things in life (family troubles, girl problems, money problems, sin, etc) and it still works. But here's David, full of faithfulness and trust, even when the events in his life force him to beg for salvation.

And I love the word "save" because it means more than simply protection or providence. In order to be saved, you have to already be in some kind of danger. I can't be saved if I'm watching WWE on TV, but I can be saved if I'm in the ring and about to get Peoples Elbowed by the Rock.... I like how the verse doesn't say "keep your servant safe, for I trust in you", but it says "save your servant" ... David isn't asking for daisies, rainbows, and comfort. He knows that he's gonna have crap to deal with in his life. It's not protection he desires, but rescue.

Is your faith constant despite what's going on in your life? Are you asking for safety or for rescue?

Be blessed.

Day 1. High Maintenance.

2009-02-25T20:38:00.000-08:00

Today is Ash Wednesday. For the next 40 days, I shall attempt to wake up before classes, read the Bible, reflect on it, and write it in here. If I happen to oversleep (which I NEVER do), (I need one of those) I'll write sometime during the day. If you'd like to keep me accountable, please call me in the morning to wake me up--4153350152 :) ... I'm not kidding.
My daily devos, then, begin in Psalm 86, because I had a bookmark there in my Bible, and I like it.

Psalm 86:1
Hear me, Lord, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.

I love this verse. I think I'm gonna start all my prayers with this verse now. First of all, I love how David just comes out and says it, he's poor and needy. No sugarcoating, no eloquence, no excuses. He's not like, "Hear me, Lord, for I've been loaded down with work and my bff is giving me crap again and I'm just so wiped out..." Nah, he's just like "I'm poor and needy." I think sometimes we sit there and just go on and on with God. Not that it's bad, but the Guy already knows what's up.
I remember a pastor saying one time that our prayers should be raw. Like, if we hate our friend we should pray, "God, I really hate Billy right now. Whenever I see him, I just wanna lay the smackdown on his rudy poo!" and not "God, I am having relationship troubles with my friend Billy right now. We seem to be having communicational differences." Or like, if we keep looking at pornography we should say, "God, whenever I turn on the computer, man, I just wanna look at that porno!" and not "God, I am having trouble with self-control and I have undesirable urges to treat women as objects."
Anyways, I digress. Back to the verse. Poor and needy. I love the words because they have such a negative connotation, but sometimes we need to be poor and needy in order to come to the point where we can cry out, "Hear me Lord and answer me." It is such a profound moment when we understand that we can't do crap on our own; that we have nothing to offer God and that we're such weak and insignificant beings.
Isn't this what Lent is all about? Decreasing our resources so that God's power can increase? This shouldn't be limited to these next 40 days, but it should be how we always do things, running to God and just saying, I'm weak and I'm poor and I need you more than anything right now.

Do you want to be a high maintenance follower of God?

Be careful what you blog about...

2009-02-22T18:13:00.000-08:00

...Because God freakin reads this crap. Hi God :)

So like, if you're an avid Real Talk reader, then you may recall certain posts like, "We Believe" (about miracles) and the followup to that post, "God Hears Me!" If you have not read those, it would behoove you to peruse them quickly (SAT word usage points holla!). This post is similar in such that it is a followup of the previous post, "Knuck If You Buck." At the end of that post you, being the observant avid reader that you are, may recall that I said something to the effect of "I need to work on my LCA (Loving Christian Approach to confrontation)." Well, it is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you this simultaneously fortunate and unfortunate news: God gave me another opportunity to do that today. Sigh... I mean, yay.

So my homeboy and I needed to go back home (Frisco Reppizzent!) today for church and I needed to pick up my sexy new guitar casefrom Dan (www.monocase.com). So we get to the bart station and we're waiting for the train to come, and like three or four gangstas come up to us and start talking to us (bad sign). From experience, when gangstas are up to no good, they always ask you questions like, "Where you from?" "Where you going?" or, in Clay's case, "Do you have a wallet?" haha. But anyways, these guys are hovering around us and you just get that bad feeling in your gut like, Dang I just wanna go to a safe place. Eventually the train comes and we hop on one car while the gangstas hop on the adjacent one. I'm thinking Whew. Ok, they're on a different car, we're good. Sike! They walk on over to our car, sit in the seats surrounding us and start being annoying. For me and my friend, this is just miserable. After a minute or so, we get pocket checked.
Now, I've been pocket checked before. I still remember when me and my homeboy Tim decided to go to Popeyes in the Fillmore (/Fillmo!) after school one day in sophomore year. Stupid idea. Then when we get our chicken, we decide to eat on a bench on the sidewalk. Even stupider idea. Yeah. Let's just say I lost about twenty bucks that day. Not fun. So I was having flashbacks of that while these guys were messing with us today.
But anyways, one of the guys comes up next to me and tells me to empty my pockets. With my best tough face on I reply, "I don't got nothing for you man." He grabs his belt as if he's gonna pull out a weapon or something, but you can kinda tell it's an act, and he keeps talking crap. Luckily, we get to the next stop and me and my friend stand up to leave. With some shoving and a few unkind words, we're outta there. They don't follow us. We kinda laugh it off, but we're a little shaken up. I guess I'm just glad that things didn't end up worse.

But like, I dunno wtfreak is going on here. Like, is it just coincidence that this happened today? Or is there something going on here that I don't know about... So like, God, if you happen to be reading this right now, I just wanna let you know that you're cool and all, and yes, I do like it when you answer prayers, but... yknow... cmon now. When I pray to be challenged and put in uncomfortable situations, maaayybeee you could ease up a bit on those... yeah.
Ok, I don't really believe that, and I do still hope that God challenges me to help me grow. But dang, this past morning sucked big ones. And like, the question remains: how do you love people like that? ... those who are out to get you for no good reason. I know that I have Jesus as my example, but it's just so dang difficult. Maybe I'm just an angry person haha... Sigh. I think I just have to work on my loving. Join me, will you?

Knuck if you Buck

2009-02-21T03:52:00.000-08:00

There's this song that came out like three or four years ago called "Knuck if you Buck." My friend Ethan used to say it to me in high school, which is how I learned it. Basically, it means "if you're gonna talk crap, you better be willing to throw down and fight."(SH pride! Go Irish)
So today, after playing this ridiculous game called Munchkins, some friends and I went to La Burrita to grab some yum yum goodness in the form of a taco salad. While we were chillin there, waiting for our food, we overhear some stuff going down at the tables where some people are eating. This one fool was doing a lot of talking to this asian guy sitting at another table. He was saying a bunch of pretty messed up stuff about asian people and was just being a real jerk to him. Me and my friends just looked at each other like... wow this guy's a real idiot. I was standing pretty close to the dude, but my back was turned because I was seriously getting fed up with his crap. He kept on talking sh- and I could feel him tapping on my backpack. At that point, in my head I'm just like, Oh hell no. My trusty sympathetic nervous system kicks in, heart starts beating, fists clench, four letter words start working their way into my head. And it's just like, I need to get out of this place or else I'm gonna go Chris Brown on this guy.So I walk out of the place, I really feel like kicking the parking meter, but I know that wouldn't do anyone any good, so I just kinda walk it off. Surressly though, the guy was so ignorant.
But have you ever had experiences like that? I can point to a couple instances in my life where I've been in small confrontations with strangers. And that kinda stuff just sticks in my mind for hecka long and I just think of all the things I could have said. There are generally a couple approaches that I always consider:
1) Excessively Sarcastic Approach (ESA) - you combat their ignorance by being an even better and more skilled jerk. You attack sensitive subjects, you disregard any concern for their feelings, and you use the most ridiculously annoying tone of voice.
2) Logical Argument Approach (LAA) - you combat their ignorance with superior logic, rhetoric, and argumentative skillz. With great Berkeley intelligence, you make them doubt their own abilities and knowledge, or maybe you are willing to simply reach an understandable compromise with them.
3) Feigned Deafness Approach (FDA, not to be confused with the Food and Drug Administration) - you frustrate and thus silence your opponent by completely ignoring them and showing absolutely no emotion.
4) Loving Christian Approach (LCA) - you silence them with kindness and goodwill, doing your best not to get angry or frustrated, no matter how much crap they talk. You put on a big smile, shake their hand, buy them food, and maybe even give them a hug, because you know they are loved by God and therefore have just as much worth as you do.... ok I dunno.

As I was walking home, I was definitely thinking through these four techniques. And then I kinda got stuck on the LCA... If, hypothetically, I went up to the crap-talking dude while he was being a jerk, and I said with a sincere heart, "You know, I don't know why you're saying all this crap, but there's this God up there and he's still crazy about you, no matter how much garbage comes outta your mouth." what would he do? Call me a faggot like he was doing to everyone else? What would Jesus do in this situation (cliche phrase, yes, but it bears some thought)? What does it really mean when we're told to love our enemies? Jesus seemed to practice a little of the FDA and the LCA while he was being mocked on his way to the cross... He didn't say much at all, but he did pray for their forgiveness. I think if I tried to do a little LCA, I'd still be muttering cuss words under my breath. I guess it's something I gotta work on. But I think tonight was good food for thought... How do we love the people who are ridiculously hard to love? Hopefully I won't have to have another encounter like tonight's anytime soon, but I'm sure something like this will come again. I'll start working on my LCA.

Do you have any tape? Cuz I'm RIPPED!!

2009-02-09T00:27:00.001-08:00

This semester I'm getting buff. I don't care what you say. I'm tired of the skinny jokes. I don't care if you think I have the body of a 12yr old boy, because I know for myself that I am capable of getting bigger. Regardless of the fact that I haven't gained any weight since sophomore year of high school (my drivers license weight might be more than I weigh now) and despite the fact that I can eat a crapload of food and not gain a single pound, I am determined to bulk up. Mario Lopez ain't got nothin on me baby!!
Hecka old school...
Anyways, one step I'm taking this semester towards my buns of steel is a PE class. Holla! Resistance training. It's legit, trust me. But on the first day, I show up at the gym expecting a big buff white guy to come inbut like, after about 20 minutes, no one shows up. We're just waiting there around the exercise machines like wtf is going on here. And then right when I'm finna bounce outta there because I was getting impatient, she walks in. Our resistance training teacher and purported fitness expert is... a skinny Chinese lady that seriously looks like she could be my aunt or something. She comes in rockin a jacket and some freakin 4inch heels and I'm like, you gotta be kidding me right? THIS is the person who's gonna get me to LL Cool J status? Yeah right...
So like, the lady takes role and turns out her name is Toni Mar and she talks a bunch about eating right and working out. So far, I'm not quite sold. Then... Oh man, it's crazy. She takes off her jacket and exposes these BIGOLE GUNS (/gigole buns) dude. It's ridiculous. Like you can see the veins and everything. I mean, she's not like disgustingly buff, but her arms are pretty dang ripped. And I'm like, omg Toni Mar you're my idol. The woman can probably destroy me.
These days, when I show up for resistance training, I would trust Toni Mar with my life. Haha.

Anyways, I've been thinking a lot about this lately, how I really expect and want God to be one way, when He's probably the complete opposite of what I'm looking for. I'm asking God to make me buff, to answer my prayers, to solve all my problems. I'm doing all the exercises, but I know I'm doing them wrong--I don't see the results, I'm not getting any buffer. I want God to be the big buff white guy, to work miracles, to show me how crazy buff he is and what amazing things he can do. But God just comes in, barely noticable, as this skinny chinky lady and I'm like, God, are you freals? Jesus, this has got to be a joke or something. There is no way I'm gonna grow spiritually with this workout plan. Things keep going wrong, I'm tired, I feel inadequate, and THIS is what's gonna bring me closer to you? It's not worth it. And here I am, a small group leader in a college fellowship, trying to help other people get spiritually buff when I can barely do it myself.
...But soon enough, God will take off his jacket and his guns will be revealed in all their glory. We'll bow down and I'll forget that I ever doubted him and what He's capable of. But for now, I'm tired and I'm doubting myself. I know God is capable of miracles, even the miracle of using a jabroni like me to teach His word.
If Toni Mar can make a scrawny Asian kid a little bigger, God can take a cynical fool and make him into a temple of the Holy Spirit. Real talk.

OOOBAMAAA!

2009-01-20T23:01:00.000-08:00

School has begun. Back to the grind. But before I do that, time to blog!

This past Monday, I met with my pastor. I told her what I thought about our church. I told her how comfortable I thought everything was and how I wanted to see that change. And I guess I just shared with her my recent thoughts about money, materialism, ministry, and stuff of that sort. I don't think I ever really had the chance to talk to her face to face about stuff before, and I forgot how wise she was haha.Basically, this is what I got from our talk:

In regards to the church, she pretty much agreed with me about how comfortable everything was. She said the problem with churches is that big mega churches grow so much because they have all the talented people--pro worship leaders, great pastors, leaders, etc--but at the same time, you become just another face in the crowd, as opposed to smaller churches (like FCBC and every other SF Chinese church), where everyone knows each other pretty intimately, but you get mediocre worship leaders and blah pastors haha. Ok, maybe she didn't say it like that, but that was the jist. She also pointed out that, because FCBC is a generational church--that is, you might have grandparents, parents, and kids all from the same family at our church--sometimes you can see why some of the youth are so lukewarm, because their parents' faith is the same way... Basically, she agreed with me that things weren't quite right, but I think she really reminded me the importance of trusting God. Yeah, it kinda sounds like a copout, but the way she said it was a lot more profound haha. I think I've become very arrogant and self-centered about my views of God, saying, "God, show me this, show me that. If you'd only do these things, then so many people would believe" acting like I know what's best when he's telling me to be patient. Idk. Chris O was quick to humble me.
In regards to money, materialism, and ministry, Chris O was also quick to point out some of my mistakes. Basically, what I got from her is this: to each man his own. I asked her about how Christians should spend their money, what kind of lives they should live, how they should serve, how much they should give, if they can live comfortable lives... Essentially she reminded me that God calls each of us differently, that there is no such thing as "A Christian should..." --Now I agree to a certain extent, but I think this is debatable. I believe that there is a standard that we as Christians should live up to, but I also agree that we are not all called to live in the ghetto to serve the poor and some of us are called to live in the suburbs and drive nice cars. Who knows? I don't. But I think the point is that God can do the judging. If my pastor is rollin on dubs in his Escalade, it's not for me to decide if he's living a Godly life. And I think there is freedom knowing that we have so much freedom in serving God.

Yeah... overall, Chris O was really really honest with me and I appreciated that a lot. Some of the stuff I listed above might be my interpretation of what she said, so take it with a grain of salt. If you have questions for Chris O, you should ask her :) But I think it was good to talk to her. Mostly when I would share these things with other people, I would mostly just get agreement, but I'm glad Chris O was quick to drop some wisdom on me and humble me a little bit.

I think my thoughts about God can be measured up in this:
Matthew 47:22-23 says,

42"He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! He's the King of Israel! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. 43He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, 'I am the Son of God.' "

... Just imagine what would have happened if Jesus came down from the cross right there. While the soldiers and people crucifying Jesus were shouting, "If you're really the son of God, then you'll come down!" Imagine if Jesus said, "Ok, you know what, I am the son of God, let me show you" and he came down from the cross... Dude, all the people there for sure would have believed in Jesus after that. Like dude, why wouldn't Jesus take the opportunity?? I just feel like that's what it's been like... I know that God can do amazing things, but he isn't, and I don't know why. I'm saying, "God, if you're real, then show yourself, do a miracle, do crazy stuff--you have such a great opportunity!" and God is just like "Nate, be patient. I know it looks like it would be good if I did crazy stuff now, but I promise things will get even crazier if I show myself at a later time." In the Gospel, that crazier thing was Jesus rising from the dead. In real life right now, I have no clue what God has in store. But I gotta trust that whatever he has in plan is gonna be ridiculous.

Shoutout to Vansen, my roommie, who just got a new iPhone. And Samuelle, reppin the Urban School right.
... I still have so many questions. But I think I've come a long way since my badmouth high school days. I have a long way to go though.

And last but not least,
OOOOOOBAAAMMAAAAAAAAA!!!

God Hears Me!

2009-01-12T21:39:00.000-08:00

Three posts in one day. Disgusting.

Anyways, I'm pretty amazed by God.
After I wrote my little post about miracles (We Believe!) and then that other post, I went and ate dinner. I come back to find that my friend's AIM away message reads:

studying still.
My question of the day for you: do miracles happen?

And I thought to myself, "Oh cool, Cindy reads my blog. I've sucked in another follower of my wisdom." So I IMed her like, "So, did you read my blog?"
And she was like, "noo"
And I was just like.... omgwtfbbq dude no way.
Somehow we both independently happened to think to ourselves about the possibility of God performing miracles (apparently she wrote about it in sunday school in december and i started thinking about it when i started reading the book last week) and publish something online about it within a half hour of each other.

Now, I wouldn't categorize this as a miracle the way I was talking about miracles in my previous post. And to you, the reader, it may be of no significance at all. But it nonetheless goes to show that God hears us, knows our desires, and even reads our blogs :] He gives us these little reminders of his grace and his faithfulness. And I'm very thankful.

2009-01-12T19:12:00.000-08:00

I realize that most of my posts are kinda ranty. Cynical sometimes. Critical maybe? Recently, my posts have been in the habit of making many promises or declarations of things I am trying to change. How many of these convictions will actually come to fruition? How many will wither and be forgotten?
I was just thinking about this blog and I guess I wanna just apologize if any of it seems like I'm coming from a high up place. I just wanted this thing to be a place where I could voice my thoughts. Where I could be open and transparent and hopefully encouraging. I'm not quite sure if I've accomplished that.
I just wanna set the record straight that I have so little figured out... about life, faith, etc. As a Christian, I am the Wayne Gretzky of all hypocrites. In other words, as Arnold Palmer is to golf, I am to hypocrisy. Put plainly, if hypocrisy was like hurdling, I am Liu Xiang. In essence, I am a big, fat, hairy hypocrite who towers over all other hypocrites.
But I am searching for this God who came to heal the sick. And I know just enough about him to know if I'm getting the real version of him or not. I invite you to join me on this search. It could get ugly.

We Believe!

2009-01-12T17:46:00.000-08:00

So in another tab I have my email open. I'm writing an email to my pastor. So far, I've typed out her (yee that's right, we have a female pastor. Whuh?) email address and the words, "Hey Chris" (yee that's right, she has a male name. Whuh?... jk it's really Christine, but we tight like that) and then I got writer's block. Or maybe it's my chronic pansynitis kicking in again.
See, I'm trying to arrange a meeting with her for this upcoming Sunday, maybe just to talk about some stuff about where the church is going and hopefully share some of my thoughts about the church. But every time I think about it, it's just like, wtheck am I really gonna say?? I mean, she's my pastor for goodness sake. "Oh hey Chris, I was just thinking the other day, 'Wow, our church is pretty wack! Don't you agree?'" I might as well slap her in the face and knock over all the papers on her desk.
And of course, I won't just leave it at that... "Oh our church sucks" because it really doesn't. But I just wanna induce some constructive discussion nahhmean? yafimme? Still though, I find it quite the arduous task to write her an email saying, "Oh I just have some concerns about the church." Like... who am I? Some college sophomore scrub jabroni who thinks he can make changes in this 120 year old church.
Anyways, hopefully by blogging about it, I'll have to finish the email, since I already wrote about it and it would be stupid to announce it to the whole world (or the 4 people who read this) and never do it. That would indeed be buffoonery.

Anyways, onto more pressing topics. That stupid email topic took up four short paragraphs. Emburressin... Stay with me though!
So I've ventured down the river from my Irresistible Revolution days and I am now swimming amidst the verbal waters of a literary genius by the name of Brother Yun. (dang that sentence was deep and metaphorical) And don't hate on Brother Yun because he has a foolish name. That's messed up. Actually, to correct myself, he is not a literary genuis. He's just your average Asian.His book that I'm trying to read right now is called The Heavenly Man. Again, I know it sounds stupid, but it's really interesting. A supposedly true story about the underground church in China during Mao's communist regime. The book. is. loaded. with. miracles! Of him having visions, having those visions fulfilled, him escaping the police, him scaling walls, running miles within minutes, the list goes on. And I'm only past the first 80 pages of this 350+pg book. Ridiculoso. Anyways, it got Nathan thinking, where are today's miracles?
I mentioned in an earlier post that Shane Claiborne's argument is that we really shelter ourselves from seeing any miracles because we rarely need them. Food, medicine, housing... these are all things we have easy access to without transcendental assistance. And plus, Jesus reprimands the people who ask for a miracle... But dang dude. I really wanna see a one. I really wanna have a vision from God.
So far in my life, I have only witnessed one miracle.And that was freakin glorious. But I want to see another one. This time, something more substantial maybe... Of course, I've had answered prayers. Big prayers, too, that seemed very very unlikely. And I will be one of those people who attest to the little miracles of everyday life. But you know what I mean though. I wanna see a big one. That I know was from God. Like if one day I woke up and was 5'11. Miracle. That would be awesome. Add that to the prayer request list.
Sometimes I just feel like we worship a shadow of the God we really profess to follow. We take so few risks that we can never really witness the power we claim him to possess and we can never truly know how wonderful and faithful our God is until we actually need to trust him.
I don't wanna assume anything about God, that he can work a miracle in this or that part of my life, but I do wanna pray big prayers and take risks for this God that I've heard so much about for the past five or so years. I wanna see and be a part of something amazing that God is doing. I wanna see people healed. I wanna see the Good News be good again. I wanna see nonbelievers seeing how crazy things are with those Jesus freaks... Is it ok for me to want these things? Maybe I'm just lacking faith. Maybe, like those people in the Gospels, I'm just begging for a miracle. Maybe Jesus is getting frustrated with me. Blessed are those who have not seen and still believe. Maybe I just wanna know who this real God is.
We worship a God that is capable of these things. I know he is. He's gotta be. I wanna know this God for who he is and not for who the church makes him out to be.
So what do you think? Do miracles still happen? Are there conditions where they happen more often?

modern day miracle?
http://www.shauninthecity.com/blog/2008/09/i-experienced-a.html

Reading is Sexy!

2009-01-07T22:38:00.001-08:00

So I don't usually do this, but thanks to a certain cousin of mine (Ally, my real cousin), I am here giving a free promotion for The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. I was very hesitant to do this, mostly because I've been talking about this book a lot with a few people and I just feel lame for being so excited about a dumb book. But alas, I have given in. This book has changed too much about the way I understand who Jesus is and what the Gospel is all about for me to simply not share it with the world. So here it is, world! Here's my amazing book review! I better get comments! Jayplay, but frealfreals, this was a good book. And I think you should read it. But only after you comment on this (or any prior) post. Hollatchaboy!
So, where to start. Ah yes... I don't know. Well first of all, this book has really inspired me to get more involved with the homeless community in Berkeley. Not sure what that means or how that will look when I get back, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to consistently be a presence with the homeless at People's Park or maybe volunteer at a shelter or something. One of the lines that I remember most was one that basically said, miracles are more rare today because there is no need for them. We can go to Safeway to get food, we have a roof over our heads, we can just hit up the doctor if we get sick... Not to say that these things are bad, but they take away opportunities for God to actually show us that he can take care of us in amazing ways. So I dunno about you, but I want to see God work and do miracles.
Another thing about this book is that it has confirmed my frustrations with the Church. Claiborne is never antagonistic (as I have sometimes been) about the way things are done in the American church, but he is still critical of what the church has become. Like I was talking about two or three posts ago (Here Comes the Bride), church for me is all too safe, comfortable, and blah an experience. Claiborne argues for a church like the early church in Acts2, where possessions were shared and the followers of Christ "had everything in common"--struggles, joys, experiences, money, etc.--and where church was a place where crazy Jesus people met up to discuss the amazing things that God had done during the other six days of the week. One of the things that I'm afraid of for FCBC is that, especially with concerns over attendance and numbers, the goal for church service will become keeping the youth interested and entertained rather than challenged... On a side note, I have similar worries with Living Water, my church in Berkeley, that they are becoming a very "flashy" and charismatic church (we have almost doubled in size over the past year) rather than one that really challenges, though I have definitely felt more challenged and convicted there than at FCBC. Nonetheless, I have grown skeptical of growing churches and I hope that desire for truth will always trump a desire for more people. (I know no church is really "perfect" and I love complaining; I'm just pointing these things out)
Lastly, this book has made me think more about what I do with my money. This one is difficult, mostly because what I wear helps me be really really ridiculously good looking.Ha ha ha I'm jayplaying again. But in all seriousness, this book has challenged me to question where my clothes are being made, where the profits are going, and where the money can otherwise go. Should I just shop at American Apparel (expensive/for white people)? Should I just not buy anymore clothes (God forbid!)? Should I just donate all my clothes? Should I make my own clothes (sike!)? These are things that I've been thinking about lately.
So, as you can see, my life is kinda being rearranged. Thank you, Mr. Claiborne. I was pretty ok with the way things were going, but no, you had to freakin write an amazing book and change the way I see things. Great. Thanks... Nah, I'm only kidding Shane. Shaney Shane. Shayborne. Anyways, I wanna do something. I wanna respond. But the thing about me is that I always say that I'm gonna do something (work harder, get buff, do chores, learn how to write left-handed), and I can take a step out the door, but when it comes down to it, I get real scurred and I just run back to my safe little life, where I know the routine and where I don't have to take any major risks. But yo, I'm saying it now, I wanna make changes. In myself, in my church, in Berkeley, in this world. Join me, it would help me out a lot :)

Not Cool

2009-01-05T16:18:00.000-08:00

A couple years ago I asked my friend, "Do you think there is such a thing as a serious, hardcore Christian who can still be popular at school?" I guess I was thinking about all my friends in high school who had potty mouths(what a ridiculous picture), who started drinking and smoking weed,
And I just thought, well heck, if this is what being cool is all about, then I got myself a real dilemma. Because I was trying to take my faith to the next level, but I still had to be cool, yadida? I mean, even this year, someone said to me, "You know, I had never really known any Christians who dressed well until I joined Intervarsity." Me being the idiot I am, took it as a compliment. I guess my question is, if Jesus came back today and chilled with this modern society for a little while, what would he look like? What would he wear? How would people treat him? What if Jesus was a student at your college?
We always picture Jesus wearing the nice little Jesusrobe and with the beard and stuff, because, well, that's how people dressed back in the day (except, contrary to popular belief, Jesus was Middle Eastern, not white) But would Jesus really dress like everyone else? Today's equivalent: jeans, tshirt, a pair of Vans maybe? I kinda doubt it. My boy John the Baptist wore a freakin camel hair fit and ate locusts. Like wtf. Would Jesus be liked by others? Probably some. But for sure there would be people who hated him. I wonder if Jesus enjoyed memorizing the Torah (like all Jewish boys had to do). Would Jesus get good grades? Would Jesus even be in school? In the Bible Jesus is a carpenter, as was tradition to take up the father's trade. So, since all kiddies go to school these days, would Jesus be a student? Go through all that middle and high school drama? Would Jesus be good at sports?
What clubs would Jesus have joined? The Christian club? Jesus wasn't even Christian! Wtfreak. The Jewish club, then? I wonder if Jesus had any hobbies besides... carpentry. Or if Jesus had a bff that came over to his house. I wonder if Jesus ever played any pranks on anyone. Did Jesus ever get bored? What was I even talking about before?
Oh yeah, if Christians can be cool or popular. Well, I've been rereading the book of Matthew with the intent of just seeing what kind of person Jesus was. And I guess I'm starting to see how counter-cultural he was and how counter-cultural my response has to be. I'm not gonna lie, I love me a nice pair of shoes, or a nice $200 jacket that I bought last month, but I'm beginning to question whether my efforts to be "cool" or fashionable are good for me, or if I'm just storing up treasures on earth that moths and rust will destroy (matt 6:19). The answer is obvious. And plus, that money can go somewhere. I can actually make a difference with the money I have... So, as a Bible-believing Christian, how do I dress? Where do I put my money? Am I willing to put an end to my Hypebeast ways for the sake of the Gospel?
Ok, so I was never really a hypebeast (www.hypebeast.com), but is it bad that I wanna be cool? Popular? Can these desires coexist with desires to see God glorified? Is Jesus calling me to lay down my skinny jeans to follow him? Isn't the ability for someone to express who they are through style or dress a gift from God?
I am beginning to develop a fascination with an uncomfortable Christianity. BUT that fascination has yet to manifest itself in bold footprints in my life. I wanna make changes in a lot of places, but change has to start in myself first.

Not Good

2009-01-04T17:43:00.000-08:00

In Genesis chapter 2, we see the first declaration of something deemed "not good" by God. The not-good thing was that Adam was alone. We were created to be in relationship.
Have you ever had one of those times where something kinda funny happens, and maybe you chuckle a little to yourself for a few seconds, but then you see your other friend who's laughing like a fool, and you just start laughing because they're laughing? And then both of you laugh even more because both of you are laughing like idiots? And then you say something like, "I was only laughing because you were laughing! Ha ha ha ha so funny" (ok maybe not exactly like that) ... Or have you ever cried because you saw someone else crying? Maybe with your friend, or even because you saw a character cry in a movie? ... Have you ever watched a kid spin in circles and then say, "whoa kid, you're making me dizzy!" (quite the foolish comment, but we all say it) ...
I was just thinking today... emotions are supposed to be shared. Even if we just see someone grieving, we might start crying. Even if we just see someone laughing, we might start laughing. God made us this way, to share in our experiences and feelings, even if we don't know exactly what the other person is going through. I think it was a good idea.

Here Comes the Bride

2008-12-30T16:37:00.000-08:00

Aww yeeeuhh that's right. You saw the title of this post and now you wanna know all the juicy secrets about the numerous females in my life. And let me assure you, there are numerous. Unfortunately for you, that's not what this post is about. Of course not, because Nate always writes about Christiany things and a post about girls would just make him out to be a douchebaggy loser who creeps on girls. That, my friend, is an incorrect assumption. But a correct assumption is that this post is about something Christiany. I apologize. And as much as I wish my bride could be this dimepiece:I actually have something important to say about her:No, that's not my Chinese school. It's my church! I know she ain't much to look at, but I still love her. But yeah, in the Bible the church is referred to as God's Bride. It's also called God's Body, and I was planning on making the title of this post something having to do with my body (maybe something like, Thoughts About My Body), but I didn't think that would be very tasteful. Anyways, I go to a church in San Francisco called First Chinese Baptist Church. Chinatown represent!
And let me start off by saying this: I love my church. But I have problems with it. And that's what I need to talk about. Writing about Fcbc is one of the reasons I wanted to make this blog. Doing something about Fcbc, however, is something that I need to do more than write about. But that's something that will take more work...
So the thing I love about Fcbc is the people. This is my family. Yes, we have cliques. Yes, we say mean things. Yes, I still avoid some people. But this is where God put me. But the thing that worries me about Fcbc is that no one is being challenged. Fcbc is a comfortable church that would never call anyone out or make someone rethink their faith. We love saying things like "read your Bible" and "spend time with God," but after almost 4 years of Sundays, I don't remember one single time that I left church changed. I don't remember any sermons. I don't remember ever feeling convicted to do anything for the sake of the gospel. As I'm learning more and more about who Jesus is from my own experiences and resources, I'm beginning to see that Jesus was not a comfortable person to be around. When I'm at church, I hear a message, but instead of hitting me hard like the Rock:the messages are more like Golddust:hahaha. Freakin hurt.
But for you non wwf kids, what I mean is that the messages at Fcbc are all so blah. There's nothing to wrestle with, nothing that convicts, challenges, or offends. I love our pastors, but I'm tired of all the sugar-coating. It makes everyone numb to what is supposed to be a transformative Word.
I'm not sure what I would think of Fcbc if I was visiting for the first time. I remember one service, (what I think was) a homeless guy came in and sat down. First of all, that kinda stuff NEVER happens at our church. But it did this one time. And I don't wanna assume things, but the lady sitting next to him (a very solid church member) stood up and moved... !!! Like wtf, right? I'm pretty sure that's the opposite of the gospel. Our youth service was cancelled and has now joined forces with our young adult/college service. I think it's because numbers were too low... Again, I don't wanna assume things, but I'm not so sure if our church is very open to newcomers. They just make us too... uncomfortable.
I am afraid that my friends at Fcbc, especially those who are younger, will get used to this idea of Christianity as something that can coexist easily with every other aspect of life and that will never challenge the way they live or think or act. I am afraid that Fcbc is giving off a false image of who God is, that he doesn't challenge us to live to a much higher standard. I do not see very much passion at Fcbc. And I don't think it's because there are no passionate people, but it's the fact that we're not seeing God move in our church because we won't take any risks for him.
Well, I'm afraid this post is getting into the realm of a complaining session rather than anything constructive. So, this is post is mainly for those of you to attend Fcbc. Please, I would love to hear from you. Agree? Disagree? I think you can leave a comment regardless of whether you have an account or not... And for those of you nonFcbc-ers who may be reading this, if you have something to say, please say it. I apologize if this was an annoying rant and if you found any of it offensive. But it's how I feel. Yee.
Lastly, I don't want to make it seem like I'm above any of this. My failings as a Christian far outweigh the failings of this church. But as God is transforming me, I expect the rest of the Body be transformed as well. I want to make a difference at Fcbc. Not sure how, but I want to. I'm not gonna leave, since this is my family. Dysfunctional, but still my family. That is all.

A Christmas Poem

2008-12-23T22:49:00.000-08:00

Written December 13, 2005...

Now put the picture in your mind of a time; rewind centuries behind to an era where a young couple would stumble into the rubble of a place not so kind.
The rise of the mind that would set down the crown and let the beautiful letdown resound.
He was found by the kings, angels gathered round. The sounds of stories told by prophets centuries-old unfold before eyes no more than one year old.
What could we withhold from this child given gold who would hold a much greater treasure; a miracle beyond measure who would weather the storm.
But severed and torn, worn by the war fought between Satan and Lord. Blatant and forward, they struck with the sword to your side. Poured out the soul and you died. Wide-eyed, they surveyed the place where you gave up in grace for mankind.
But now free from danger, asleep in a manger. A stranger walks in and wouldn't believe if I laid the decree that this baby would one day die for me.

Bowling

2008-12-20T16:54:00.000-08:00

So I dont know if I came and visited you or if you happened to see me on the streets or if you just saw the pictures, but let me announce it once again: I, Nate Lee, donned the azn bowlcut for the world to see. I shall let these pictures do the talking:
Yes. Please refrain from commenting on how beautiful it is, I dont want to get cocky. But yes, you are correct, it looks pretty freakin good. I was pretty much convinced on how ridiculously good looking I was when I walked out of my apartment and two frat boys slowed down in their car to laugh at me. Props to Jackie Hang for this glorious achievement.
One thing that was especially interesting was going out shopping for a couple hours with the bowlcut in all its glory for everyone to see. I felt like I was on one of those shows where someone dresses up in a fatsuit and sees how poorly they're treated. I remember a Tyra Banks episode where that happened haha. Oh Tyra. But really, I dont think I've ever been so self conscious in public. I mean, look at the back of my head... that thing is disgusting. Whenever someone was walking behind us, I had to pull my collar up a little bit. Oh, and not to mention my so-called "friends" that Jackie and I visited who just laughed at me. Terrible.
After a little while, I went back home, got the clippers, and let Becky do some damage control. So, yeah, the bowlcut is officially gone and will probably never ever make a comeback. Ever. If this haircut has taught me anything, it's that, with all the 3 stooges comparisons,and with this guy (yes, it's a guy) as a template for my haircut,I'm probably better off with a generic hairstyle, even if it does draw less attention. I think this will go down as a good memory and a fun story to tell, but I would never do it again. I'm surprised I had the balls to do it in the first place. Funny how some things start out as jokes and then turn into reality... be careful what you wish for, right? Reminds me of sophomore year in high school when I agreed to shave my head on the last day of school...I guess my judgment has not changed much... that was a poor decision.
Moral of the Story: Image is not everything. In this world of materialism and $330 Jordans (which I am no longer buying from Sammy), it's easy to get caught up in trends, even when they're not YOU. Am I giving into the hype? Maybe. Where is my identity? In the way people perceive me? Or in the way I am loved and accepted by God DESPITE me? Bowlcut, shaved head, materialistic, attention-seeker, sinner... People might laugh at me while they pass by in their cars, but the approval of Someone Else means much more. Be blessed.

Second Coming

2008-12-12T05:01:00.000-08:00

I recently had my last Music27 class with Prof. Mathews. I havent been doing the reading for the class, and this last lecture was supposed to be a review, so i was there. And i was ready. I had my laptop out, ready to take notes (and check fantasy when he was saying irrelevant stuff) and i for sure wasnt even gonna fall asleep this time. But dang... this ended up being the worst lecture ever! Basically, what Prof. Mathews did was play a piece of music and then go into where we were sitting in the lecture hall and he freakin asked students! Like wtf, right? There's gotta be around 200 people in class and he's going around, climbing over chairs, sticking the mic in people's faces. All i wanted out of the lecture was... a lecture. And when i saw him asking for participation i was like,"Hells to the no, David Blaine!" I was thinking about boucin outta there reeeaaal quick. But then i remembered how ignorant i was in the subject of music, so i stayed. I freakin stayed. I swear, i have never been so uneasy in a lecture for the whole entire hour. It was terrible. EVERY single time he came up on the right side aisle of the lecture hall, my heart would start POUNDING. He went to the row in front of me and he went to the row behind me. I was scurred straight. I did not know any of the answers to the questions he was asking. I'm so thankful he didnt call on me.
After i got outta lecture, i was so relieved. Thankful that he didnt call on me and also that i got the notes that i needed. But it was an experience i did not want to relive.
Which got me thinking....
Is this how i live with God? Hoping, day after day, that he doesnt come around and see me, swimming--drowning--in my sin. Do i wake up everyday and say, "Dang i hope today isnt judgment day. Cuz if it is, then im freakin screwed!" What a terrible way to live. Yet theres so much crap in my life that i still cling on to. And i know if Christ himself were to walk into my room right now and look me in the eyes, i'd be scared to death. Just like if Prof. Mathews called on me in class, i'd be speechless. No answer, no excuse, no nothing. He might say, "Well, you havent done your reading, have you?" If my homeboy Jesus came around today, he might say, "Well, you dont really know me, do you?" I'd probably just give him a blank stare.
I gotta get things right. Music27, faith, life, whatever. I cant halfass my way through everything. David Blaine can turn orange soda into cheezits, but he cant get me into heaven. I got some thinking to do.

No Numbers

2008-12-06T14:45:00.001-08:00

Alright. Time for a break from this stupid essay. Shout out to Sadamitsu and the No Numbers crew, thanks for the title.

Yesterday was large group. Carol's last :( I wasn't quite sure what she would talk about as her last Cal IVCCF talk ever, but i don't think i expected what she did in fact choose to talk about. There were numbers. Lots of them. Statistics. I did not do very well in Stats 2. I'm sure Carol's intentions were good. I'm glad that the numbers were prefaced with the disclaimer that "every statistic stands for a life changed." Nonetheless, while they were going through all the digits and how our fellowship keeps getting bigger and bigger and "better," i couldnt help but squirm in my seat.
Is THIS our goal? More people? I know for damn sure this fellowship is not about increasing numbers. I think back to reading (/skimming) that book True Story-- it's about escaping that box of numbers and that "more conversions" mindset, right? Maybe i skimmed too fast. Carol forced us to read and reflect on that book (which sucked), so I know her intentions for showing the numbers are good. But i suck at math. I don't like numbers. Especially in the context of Christianity.

John 6:60-69...
The gist: 66From this time many of [Jesus'] disciples turned back and no longer followed him. 67"You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve. 68Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."
I firmly believe--though i may be wrong--but i firmly believe that if Jesus or Paul had a church today, their church would not be that big. In John 6, Jesus speaks truth and people complain, they judge, they doubt, they leave. Sometimes truth is offensive. If Jesus or Paul had a church today, would you be there? You'd be challenged for sure, but is that what you want? Sometimes i worry that inflating numbers in IV are not a result of God's truth but of comfortability. Don't get me wrong, i love Intervarsity, and i think our comfortability with each other is a gift from God, but i want to be able to use the intimacy we have so we can challenge one another. Do we live this way?
One thing people like to say about Carol is that she said what she had to say, even if it wasn't what people wanted to hear. I honestly didn't want to hear about numbers. And i'll be the first to call it out. I don't want to boast about how many conversions, small groups, leaders, members, or whatevers that IV has. I want to boast about God's truth, even if it hurts.

Genesis

2008-12-04T17:54:00.000-08:00

I know what you're thinking, and yes, i had to change the name of the blog. As much as i loved pretending to be a true azn gangsta, it simply wasn't true. Maybe in 6th grade. But these days, i'm past that foolish childsplay. I probably had about 10 friends with emails or SNs like trueaznboi or lilaznshorty or some crap like that. I refuse to stoop that low. So i just decided to go with my standard aim sn. Legit.
Now on to more important things. Much love to everyone who dropped a comment yesterday. Especially to hlebain who gave me two. Unfortuately she commented the exact same thing twice, which leads me to believe she didn't even read my blog and just sent a generic comment and then accidentally sent it again. Disgusting. I'm sad there are no e-props on blogspot. Disappointing indeed. Now how will i know how much props i got? Mad props? No props? This is ridiculous. Nonetheless, keep dropping by to say hi. I will do my best to write well. No promises though.

Genesis.
What a coincidence! The title of this blog is Genesis and dorm ministry has been studying the book of Genesis this semester! Dang that's tight. We (myself included) have been learning a lot about what it means to run away from God only to have him bring us back to what's important. So, though i've been away from the blogging game for awhile now, i have been mercifully called back to online journaling. What a great Biblical analogy.
The reason i wanted to start this blog is because i have a whole smorgasbord of thoughts, questions, and experiences that i want to share. Things like life, God, sports, home, food, clothes, friends, happiness :), sadness :(, and things of the sort. Is that hecka girly? Shoot. I don't really have feelings though, so don't expect much in that category. But i do have opinions and complaints and questions. That should suffice. One thing that i've been learning about a lot this past semester is transparency. What a better way to live in that vulnerability than to make a blog, right? I know. Hecka smart. But in order for this to work, we (me and you, the reader) need to make a Covenant. Dang this whole Genesis analogy is working wonders. Anyway, the covenant is: i, nathan jin lee, shall be completely honest, raw, uncensored, and transparent in this blog if you, __________ (insert name) shall read it. Yee!

Blogs?

2008-12-04T01:01:00.000-08:00

So are blogs the new in thing? Because i remember when xanga was the shizz and i used to write essays in that crap like the whole world was reading it. And now i have returned to the blogging game. I am TrueAznGangsta. Except i'm an educated gangsta (which is actually an oxymoron). Nonetheless, i will live up to this name. I promise you, my blogs shall be every bit true, azn, and staight up gangsta. I'm good on my word.
So yeah anyway, i made this because i have thoughts and complaints and feelings running around and about in the dome and they need to escape. Though i currently have a 10pg paper due soon and a nice plate of rice and leftover turkey in front of me that needs to be eaten, i shall write in this here blog. I'll probably spend more time in it during Christmas break. It's coming up!
Oh yeah one more thing, my roommate Vansen keeps listening to that Beyonce song. I think it's called "If i were a boy" because that's the line he keeps singing. I'm not sure what i think about all this. It makes me uncomfortable. Maybe i should say something. What would a trueazngangsta do? He'd probably say something. And then call up his homeboys and their brothers. Well, i'll avoid confrontation for tonight. Vansen, i love you.
Well, tell your friends about me. Check back regularly. Stay classy, san diego.